my wrinkly time
Today I made a 10-year-old girl cry. And then, five minutes later, I made her laugh uncontrollably.
An explanation for reaction # 1: today I started telling my clients about my new position. The tender-hearted, constantly smiling little girl teared up; the "I'm too tough to show emotions" 14-year-old boy looked out the window and wouldn't talk to me for the rest of the hour drive back to his foster home. I am really not looking forward to talking to the other kids.
The cause for reaction #2: today Hannah and I started listening to "A Wrinkle in Time" together in my car. We went to the library today, and she picked it out on her own (probably because she has gotten tired of me ranting and raving about what a great book it is). If you have never read that book, YOU NEED TO. It's technically a children's book, but it's great for anyone. The author (Madeline
L'Engle) even covers this in her preface, where she laments about how all too often adults lock up the doors to their minds and don't allow magic and imagination in any longer.
I am a bit torn about this new position. I know that my heart is really with kids who have no real family, so I know I'll love what I do ... but I have started to grow close to some of these kids and their families, and there is something I very much enjoy about being the change agent for an entire family, and not just a child.
Ah well, my heart is alive in this work, no matter what avenue it takes.
Another thing I will miss is the incentives that I have started with these kids. I recently developed a reading program for them, sort of in partnership with the local library. If they read a certain number of books within a certain amount of time, the library will give them exciting prizes like stickers and bookmarks. I will give them lots of hugs and high-fives, and let them name a meal of their choosing. The catch is that they will eat the meal with me, we will talk about books while we eat, and the food will be consumed beside one of the many local waterfalls that I have come to enjoy. Last week one of my kids made it to the "dinner" stage ... lucky for me, he has cheap taste. I was ready to head home and whip up some gourmet fare and try to figure out how to transport it along a 1.5 mile trail to the waterfalls ... but all he wanted was deli sandwiches, chips, and homemade brownies.
I will miss this stuff, but I embrace a new challenge: instead of helping these kids adjust to the world around them, I face the task of bringing the world in to kids. My new clients will, for the most part, be in residential facilities, some locked. They have no involvement with their parents and for the most part are just waiting to turn 18 and do something different with their lives. So I will visit them and talk with them on the phone, and try to help them develop clear goals and plans for the life that awaits them after they leave the facility, and also to improve the quality of the lives they lead now.
Like I said, it will be tough, but I am jumping in with both feet. Lately I haven't been able to shake thoughts of my friends from the rest home that I still visit once a month. In so many ways, my new clients remind me of those folks. For the most part, the world has written these people off as "unproductive" members of society, and pushed them into a forgotten, drab-colored corner. I enter into their worlds, knowing that they have countless lessons to teach me and invaluable knowledge to impart ... and a very big part of me wonders what I could ever offer to them. These tests, these challenges and questions, these uncomfortable moments - these are where I discover the best part of myself. I can't wait.
and this is how i connect ...
My niece visited for a few days this week, and somehow I missed taking pictures. I guess I was just enjoying the time with her and didn't want to let a camera get between us.
She's a great kid. First of all, I am convinced that she looks much, much better in my Jeep than I do. Her hair is pretty long now, and she sort of avoids the brush ... so I convinced her that baseball hats are cool on girls. We went cruising through the mountains yesterday, let the wind play with our hair for a few minutes, then stopped for ice cream, and threw our hair into ponytails and hats. We are pretty cool
chics, if I do say so myself.
She is also really tan, because she plays outside all the time, and her blond hair is even blonder now that it's summer. She is a pretty, pretty girl, and I am already developing my interrogation packet for whatever young man is brave enough to ask her on her first date. Her beauty has a lot to do with her shimmering blond hair and twinkling blue eyes, but more to do with her infectious smile and her spunky attitude. She is cool - there's no way around it.
She probably would have been happy just to ride in the Jeep all day, but last night somehow the idea emerged to visit a wonderful mecca of children's delight and parents' empty wallets, appropriately named "Fun Depot." The place is huge and has just about every kind of form of kid-friendly entertainment you can imagine. I convinced Sarah to start with the climbing wall, which she flew up quickly and quickly grew bored ... so then she moved on to the arcade games. Throw in some mini-golf and batting cages, and we moved to the highlight of the evening: laser tag.
I admit that I really, really thought about trying to talk her out of playing. We made it into the "briefing room" where a quick instructional movie is shown before you go put on your vest and grab your gun. Everyone talked through the movie, so I'm glad I wasn't relying on what I learned there for my survival in the field. The room was filled with a random sampling on gang-banger
wannabe's (and pretty convincing ones at that) and nervous church youth group kids from the suburbs. The wanna
be's were the ones who had me a little nervous, as I overheard references to "going out like 50" and "going down like 2-
Pac." While Sarah took it all in stride, I was looking around for the quickest way to get her out of there.
How will this game possibly be fun for a 9-year-old girl?, I thought.
Then we got upstairs and the room went dark and the cheesy music started playing. And Sarah evolved into a laser tag automaton. I have to say - that was the most fun I have had with a group of 16 kids I didn't know, in quite a while. The wanna
be's won, but I am convinced we were a close second ... and Sarah and I somehow made friends with those fellas. We saw them in the parking lot afterward. While the nervous suburbanites rushed to their buses, trying to avoid eye-contact with the hip-hop crew, Sarah and I gave them high fives and even took a picture with them. Of course, the picture is on Sarah's camera and not a digital one, so I doubt it will ever be available to the public.
The other highlight of my evening was when I played a 5-player game of the cheesy arcade basketball game ... I was the only female, the only person with light-colored skin, and the only adult type (over the age of about 16) ... I was also a good 4 inches shorter than my competition. And I won. Awe, yeah. Still got it. (Of course, I never really knew that I had "it" before, but it sounds awful cool)
I just pulled a pan of peanut butter-swirl brownies out of the oven ... off to share with the neighbors and engage in the mysterious act of connecting with another human being.
I did more thinking/planning/brainstorming today, about my combination counseling practice/bed & breakfast. I have been working on more variety in my cooking, and having some great, intelligent conversations with the therapists at work ... so I'm pretty sure I'm ready. :)
and this is my church ...
It has been a while since I feel inspired, stimulated, challenged, and encouraged by church ... but I really, really like the one here that I have been attending.
Check out
this slideshow - it was created by people from the church. It's one of my favorite songs, and it's even more powerful with images. Also look at
this, or any of the other art stuff on the site. Wow. Worship really does come in many different forms.
so that tonight I might dream
I have discovered something I like even more than driving the Jeep through the mountains, with the top off, in the daytime: driving in the Jeep through the mountains, with the top off, at night. Today was day of hiking and driving and good conversation ... and at the end of it I found myself driving along windy mountain roads as the air cooled, the trees became more fragrant, and the star became dotted with little points of light.
I am convinced there are more stars in the sky here. Tonight I pulled over and laid on the hood of the Jeep because I thought that was a bit safer than glancing up every few minutes while driving. I felt so small, and yet so significant at the same time.
I am going to crawl into bed and enjoy the smell of night, stars, and moonlight (incredible moon tonight!) that has somehow soaked into my skin.
new community
Last night I met up with some people from the "young adults" group at church. Wasn't too sure about it, but ended up having a great night. We were going to go see
someones friend's band play in
Asheville ... but the show was supposed to be outside ... and there was hail and lots of rain, so the whole band thing sort of didn't happen.
Instead we went to a pretty cool restaurant/bar/pizza place downtown, played pool, hung out and talked, and eventually ate. I met some cool people and fed my culture-starved appetite. I hadn't realized how much I missed the arts, literature, and intelligent conversation. Last night I think I might have gotten an overdose. I realized for the most part that I really like college students more than people my age, because they are full of questions and ideas. I met a girl named Camden last night who I can already tell is going to be a good friend. She is an art major, and she is really, really good at drawing (she had her sketch book with her) and just fun to talk to. And talk we did, all night long.
After we ate, some of us went to the artsy theater a couple doors down and saw a random French film that was actually pretty good, although a bit weird in some parts. It reminded me of the independent theater in Rochester that I used to go to A LOT, and I liked it.
At church tonight, I met the guy who is going to be the pastor of a satellite church that is much closer to where I live. He is young and nice, and he and his wife got married on Elvis Presley's birthday (intentionally), so I like them already.
It was a good day. I hung out with Hannah, her brother, and sister ... we took pictures and made funky collages that they are going to give to their dad for Father's Day. In so many ways, she reminds me of myself at that age. She's 10, and her sister is 9, and I was right between those two ages when my father left. They have sort of a reverse situation in their family, because their mom is not in the picture. Anyway, after they finished their collages, we made a cake for their dad. Was that really work?
The
whippoorwills are so loud tonight! The dogs and I sat on the deck for a while and watched some stars come out, and I am feeling that familiar aching inside. I don't know what it means. Maybe I want more of this, maybe I want this for other people, maybe I don't want to go to sleep tonight lest I wake up and find that somehow life lost its magic.
My neighbor Michelle had her baby. I hear the sweet little girl crying right now, and I am amazed at her (Michelle's) strength in raising this baby alone. I'm heading downstairs to give her a break. I found a great old rocking chair at an antique store the other day, and I have been working on sanding it down and painting it. I can't wait to give it to her.
What a wonder this life is, and what a tremendous honor to be who I am.
she talks too much ...
I have made a very funny realization lately. Or I guess I haven't technically
made the realization, but people have basically told me: I talk a lot.
Today I interviewed for a different position at my agency, and at the end of the interview the team offered me some feedback (basically part of the protocol here) ... and four out of four people listed my "area of growth" (a positive way of saying weakness) as the art of being more concise in my choice of words. This was funny for me to hear, since I used to be so shy that people thought I was rude.
Still, I like what someone recently said to me, and I used it at the interview today. I spend a good part of my day listening to people, so maybe I just need someone to listen to me for a little bit. I'll go with that!
The good thing is that they could only come up with one area of growth, and a huge long list of strengths. Ironically, one of my strengths mentioned was that I am very personable and easy to talk to.
Huh.
if this isn't a great way to start the day, i don't know what it is
One of my very faithful email friends and blog readers just sent me this comment, after visiting my
picasa photo site:
"You've got a smile that could light up a bear-infested dirt road on a starless night."
Awe, shucks. Thanks, Andy. I won't
embarrass you or anything by telling your name.
ask and you shall receive
A big part of my job involves taking my clients out into the community and participating in various activities - or I make this a big part of my job anyway. I want these kids to have a perspective that is larger than their trailer or cramped apartment. I want them to have an awareness of, involvement in, and concern for, the community at large.
One of the tricky things about activities is that they usually involve a cost. True, there are countless parks and hiking trails and waterfalls that we can visit for free, but rainy days seem to turn into "I'm going to end up paying to do something with this child" kind of days. Due to this fact, I have started to drum up support and tap into local resources, in the form of discounts and free things. It's something I enjoy doing, because my wallet thanks me for it, but also because I have this nagging suspicion that everyone (including business leaders) actually wants to do good. Sometimes these business people don't realize that they want to do good until I guide them to that realization, but I believe in my heart that most people really do want to help others. I may be naive, but I'd much rather be naive in my universe than bitter and resentful in someone else's.
Today was a successful day in the area of drumming up support. I called the owner of the local bowling alley and talked to him about 30 minutes. We talked about all kinds of things, but the focus was on the kids that I work with, the wonderful social and physical benefits of bowling (yes, it was a little bit of a stretch for me, but I'm learning that I can give a pretty good salespitch), and the benefits for him if he helps us. Then this afternoon I went and met with him for a bit, taking with me one of my clients who had never been bowling before. The end result? We worked out an arrangement where everyone from my agency (some 80+ employees) can take a client to the bowling alley, show their work ID, and bowl for about 60% less than they would otherwise be able to.
The even better end result? The owner (Nick) feels good because he's helping kids, I feel good because I'm able to take kids to do something fun and don't have to pay as much when doing so, and my colleagues think I'm cool because they're just plain smart.
At our team meeting today, I shared the news about the arrangement, and basically everyone asked me how I did it. It's amazing to me - I have been with the agency for exactly one month ... some of these people have worked there, and lived in that town, for two years ... and yet somehow it didn't occur to any of them to just get out there and TALK to people. I took Hannah bowling last week (you can see a couple pictures here) - it was her first time, and we had a blast. But I felt REALLY old when I saw the prices for bowling. I really do seriously remember when it cost less than $3.00 to bowl a bunch of games AND rent shoes. Prices sure have gone up! Anyway, that day I got the owner's name and phone number and began the dialogue ...
I don't understand if it's laziness, apathy, or just plain foolishness that prevented anyone else from simply talking to a very nice man about maybe giving us a break on the price. It was a natural thing for me, just as it will be when I go and meet with the owners of several local restaurants, the skating rink guy, and a few pottery places and art studios. What kind of life does one live if they hesitate to connect with another person? I firmly believe that people are the best resource around. We have so much to offer each other, if only we'll all just get over ourselves and ask.
Lots of stuff going on, including a magnificent thunderstorm. The covered part of my deck is calling me - time to grab a mug of tea and answer.
But first, some GREAT quotes from things I'm reading ...
We have much to be judged on when he comes, slums and battlefields and insane asylums, but these are the symptoms of our illness and the result of our failures in love.
- Madeline L'Engle
... for some of us, books are as important as almost anything else on earth. What a miracle it is that out of these small, flat, rigid pieces of paper unfolds world after world, worlds that sing to you, comfort and quiet you or excite you. Books help us understand who we are and how we are to behave. They show us what community and friendship mean; they show us how to live and die. They are full of the things that you don't get in real life--wonderful, lyrical language, for instance. And quality of attention: we may notice amazing details during the course of a day but we rarely let ourselves stop and really pay attention. An author makes you notice, makes you pay attention, and this is a great gift. My gratitude for good writing is unbounded; I'm grateful for it the way I'm grateful for the ocean.
- Anne Lamott
I just came in from sitting by a dark, quiet lake. The dogs were restless, and so was I, so we went for a walk along the very dark dirt road down to the very dark lake. There are no streetlights on the roads around my house. I love this, but it also creeps me out a little bit because I am, by nature, a night person (I'm just rediscovering this fact, I think) ... and I like to talk walks or runs at night ... but I don't like to think about cute little bear cubs, or not-so-cute big bear mamas, and how they might also be walking along the very dark dirt roads.
The sky was all wrapped up in clouds tonight, so there weren't even stars to guide me as there have been other nights. But I trust the dogs, and my feet know the roads well by now.
I can't seem to shake the notion that I have been wasting time with my life, and yet a part of me feels that my thirty years are spilling over with unforgettable moments, the impact of which I will never fully realize. I have always known there was beauty around me, but lately I am more and more aware of the fact that the greatest beauty lies in people. Yes, mountains still take my breath away and sunsets still often render me motionless. But the reappearance of hope in wearied eyes, the promise of joy being returned to a drab existence, and the light of discovery in the wide eyes of a child - these things cause my pulse to quicken and my face to break into smile, sometimes simultaneously as my eyes well with tears. There is so much beauty around me, in the smiles and tears of wandering travelers ... and my eyes struggle to take it all in.
In a few hours I will pick up Hannah, and take her to a rescue mission for her first volunteer experience. She called me tonight, nervous, excited, and wondering what to wear, and all I could do was tell her that I am proud of her. She is 10 years old, and she wants to be involved in the process of handing hope back to someone who has forgotten what it looks like. I cant wait to watch her eyes tomorrow - er, today - as she sees the power of her sweet 10-year-old smile and watches as her hands bring healing to some tired, battle-worn warriors.
I read this quote today, and it seems to capture just a glimmer of my thoughts right now. I'm not sure there are words to explain what it is that is going on inside of me, but I'm going to keep trying. It's too important not to, and if I don't let some of this feeling (whatever it is!) out, I'm not sure what will happen.
"I pray that I may never meddle, interfere, dictate, give advice that is not wanted, or assist when my services are not needed. If I can help people, I'll do it by giving them a chance to help themselves; and if I can uplift or inspire, let it be by example, inference and suggestion, rather than by injunction and dictation. That is to say, I desire to be radiant -- to radiate life!"
-- Elbert Hubbard
I wonder how much pianos weigh
Tonight I moved one by myself. I was tired of my piano being in my office (where my moving helpers left it after not being able to get it through the doorframe to the living room). I moved it out to the deck (by lifting it over the doorframe, bit by bit) and rolled/pushed/pulled it around to the back sliding door, then into the house (inching it up and over another doorframe) and into the living room.
I think I can skip the dumbbells tonight.
Be afraid. Be very afraid. Roar.
beavers, and bear cubs, and deer (oh my!)
When I was driving up my road tonight I saw five beavers and two deer. I wish I had been the one to see the bear cub, but that was the luck of one of my neighbors.
Beavers are funny-looking, but I like them, and I'm a bit disappointed that Mr. and Mrs. Lake Lure Beaver are not like the Beavers of the Chronicles of Narnia. I see the creatures often, and at those times I have caught myself holding on to the hope that they might look at me and begin a dialogue. Sadly, however, the Lake Lure variety just scurry away. Or maybe they scuttle. Well, they do whatever it is that beavers do.
Tonight I made the wonderful discovery that thunderstorms help me to put the cover back on the Jeep much faster. I also discovered that it's much easier to just slide the cover back (and forward) than it is to complete remove it. I am forever learning ...
I picked up my coffee table this afternoon. It's the one that my new friend Sheri and I made together. I really, really like it. I still find myself surprised by my crafty abilities.
Umm, lots of new books, lots of new thoughts. I have started listening to "The River Why." The narrator is great at creating a unique voice for each character, and it's fun listening.
T
hat's it for now. Lots going on ...
clarification
Apparently my last post was a bit confusing in how it was written. The twenty minutes that I spent grumbling and thinking bad things this morning happened while I was removing the top from my Jeep. As it turns out, I made it much more complicated than necessary ... but oh well, it was a learning experience.
I was going to hang out at home and relax tonight, but I just got an invitation to go check out a local bluegrass place. I am pretty careful about these kind of invitations, because it seems like a lot of the "bluegrass places" around here are bars that have "bluegrass" (notice the quotes) bands play (or jam - another telltale sign that it's not the place for me) on a weekly basis. They're crowded and loud, and the music is more like pop music than bluegrass. People who go to the shows seem more focused on the beer anyway, than on the goatee-d, dreadlocked bunch of ragamuffins on the stage.
This place sounds a little more my speed ... it's not well-known, most of the players make their own instruments, and they usually have some kind of potluck deal happening.
Oh, real quick ... here's something fun. I have started to put together a small collection of quotes to give to my clients. I am writing the quotes calligraphy style and putting them together into little books. I gave one to my 14-year-old client and his mom yesterday, and I honestly thought they were going to cry. Here are just a few of the quotes I included:
Happiness is not something you postpone for the future; it is something you design for the present.
- Jim Rohn
The major reason for setting a goal is for what it makes of you to accomplish it. What it makes of you will always be the far greater value than what you get.
- Jim Rohn
Character isn't something you were born with and can't change, like your fingerprints. It's something you weren't born with and must take responsibility for forming.
- Jim Rohn
happy birthday to me
I'm off to work.
(and it only took me 20 minutes of mumbling and saying not-so-nice words under my breath)
lost in wonder
Life has been sort of knocking the breath out of me lately, in a good way.
I am astounded by the power of the human spirit, wooed by the ever-increasing beauty of trees and sunsets, and struck with awe at the fact that I am the one who gets the play the part of me in this wonderfully designed plot of a life.
I do not take these things for granted:
- that I enjoy getting lost. In the woods, in the mountains, wading through a stream ... I like the feeling of not knowing where I am, and not really caring.
- that my drive into "work" reminds me of roads I have driven through national parks. I smile often (which causes much curiosity among drivers around me, when I actually see any) and continuously lean forward to look up through the windshield at the clouds and the canopy of trees under which I'm passing, and sometimes I have to pull over so that I can be sure that the view of the mountains is real.
- that I somehow am blessed/fortunate/talented/lucky enough to have a job that I love. I shared with someone yesterday that I almost feel guilty to get paid for what I do. Hours fly by like seconds when I'm with clients, and sometimes I surprise myself with the things that come out of my mouth. I know what I'm doing, and I'm good at it. It's an amazing feeling that I don't know how I got by without earlier in my life.
- that the crazy twists and turns of my life are really starting to make sense, because I am using experiences and lessons learned to help other people. It is more the rule than the exception that I have conversations with clients and parents that consist of me sharing experiences from my own life. Stupid choices and recklessly chosen paths have educated me and helped me to develop a strength which is a tremendous asset in interacting with other people, and even more - in helping others.
- that the growth that has happened with me in the past two years is more than many people experience in a lifetime. There are lots of different factors that play into this truth, and a few incredible people without whom it wouldn't have happened. The remarkable changes and improvements cause me to expect great things for the next year or two.
- that I enjoy teaching others. I attended a training today where the subject was family systems and family dynamics, and I think I stole the instructor's thunder ... several times. At the end of the session, I was actually approached about becoming a trainer. It's a state mandated class for people who work in the mental health field, and I would be able to interact with the curriculum and make improvements as I see need for them. I'm going to do it.
- that any bad choice can be manipulated to produce positive results. Mistakes really can be transformed into opportunities of growth and learning, and somehow I am involved in initiating that process in the lives of seven children and their families. One of the things I like most about my job is the fact that I empower people to make positive changes in their lives. I am the small pebble that is thrown into the water of their lives and creates a ripple ... and then I help them keep the ripple spreading into every area of their lives. Again, I'm a little bit in wonder at how I got here.
- that there is power in words. The biggest challenge for me in this job has been to get down the lingo. We have to write up our service notes in a certain way in order to get money for the services we provide. I hated it at first, but I'm getting good at it because I can now see the deeper meaning behind the code words that we are required to use. My favorite word to use is "facilitate." The word is used a bunch in office settings, so I have thrown it around here and there in the past in an effort to sound like a grown-up. But it wasn't until I started this job that I completely grasped the word's meaning. The definition: to make easier, to help bring about. That is what I do with these families. I make it easier for them to make improvements and changes, and I help bring about the appearance of hope into their lives.
There really aren't words to convey all that's going on inside me and around me ... my eyes are wide with wonder, and my spirit is breathless with anticipation.
hey, it's good to be back home again
I was welcomed
home tonight (and yes, it feels like home) by the wonderful smell of a campfire and the breathtaking sight of a star-dotted sky. It is good to travel and visit with friends, but there is something about returning home that words cannot adequately express. And I very much enjoy returning to my little haven in the mountains which so wonderfully feels like a refuge of all things good, sweet, clean, and fresh.
There were two new books waiting for me in my mailbox, and I'm looking forward to continuing my return to reading and learning and growing.
A quote I heard today, and I like. I've heard it before, but I liked it more today:
"What you get by achieving your goals is not as important as what you become by achieving your goals."
- Zig Ziglar (even his name makes me smile)
reading, writing, and jeeps
I am forming a book discussion group with people from work or around or wherever, and I started the book last night. Its title shall remain a mystery right now, as I'm still trying to figure out if I like it, or agree with the author's views, or think he's out of his mind ...
But I like these lines that I read this morning (even though I'm not sure I totally agree with them):
For thousands of years followers of Jesus, like artists, have understood that we have to keep going, exploring what it means to live in harmony with God and each other. The Christian faith tradition is filled with change and growth and transformation. Jesus took part in this process by calling people to rethink faith and the Bible and hope and love and everything else, and by inviting them into the endless process of working out how to live as God created us to live.
The challenge for Christians then is to live with great passion and conviction, remaining open and flexible, aware that this life is not the last painting.
Times change. God doesn't, but times do. We learn and grow, and the world around us shifts, and the Christian faith is alive only when it is listening, morphing, innovating, letting go of whatever has gotten in the way of Jesus and embracing whatever will help us be more and more the people God wants us to be.
I like how the words sound, I'm just not sure that I completely grasp what they mean. Or, maybe I'm not sure what the author intends them to mean.
post script: (that's fancy for PS) Ok, so I'm posting again. This is partly in response to the surprising number of complaints/requests I received to keep writing, and partly because there is so much going on that my hands are getting tired from writing in my journal.
post post script: I will be picking up my Jeep in 3.5 hours, and I'm excited.
