Tuesday, June 12, 2007

I just came in from sitting by a dark, quiet lake. The dogs were restless, and so was I, so we went for a walk along the very dark dirt road down to the very dark lake. There are no streetlights on the roads around my house. I love this, but it also creeps me out a little bit because I am, by nature, a night person (I'm just rediscovering this fact, I think) ... and I like to talk walks or runs at night ... but I don't like to think about cute little bear cubs, or not-so-cute big bear mamas, and how they might also be walking along the very dark dirt roads.

The sky was all wrapped up in clouds tonight, so there weren't even stars to guide me as there have been other nights. But I trust the dogs, and my feet know the roads well by now.

I can't seem to shake the notion that I have been wasting time with my life, and yet a part of me feels that my thirty years are spilling over with unforgettable moments, the impact of which I will never fully realize. I have always known there was beauty around me, but lately I am more and more aware of the fact that the greatest beauty lies in people. Yes, mountains still take my breath away and sunsets still often render me motionless. But the reappearance of hope in wearied eyes, the promise of joy being returned to a drab existence, and the light of discovery in the wide eyes of a child - these things cause my pulse to quicken and my face to break into smile, sometimes simultaneously as my eyes well with tears. There is so much beauty around me, in the smiles and tears of wandering travelers ... and my eyes struggle to take it all in.

In a few hours I will pick up Hannah, and take her to a rescue mission for her first volunteer experience. She called me tonight, nervous, excited, and wondering what to wear, and all I could do was tell her that I am proud of her. She is 10 years old, and she wants to be involved in the process of handing hope back to someone who has forgotten what it looks like. I cant wait to watch her eyes tomorrow - er, today - as she sees the power of her sweet 10-year-old smile and watches as her hands bring healing to some tired, battle-worn warriors.

I read this quote today, and it seems to capture just a glimmer of my thoughts right now. I'm not sure there are words to explain what it is that is going on inside of me, but I'm going to keep trying. It's too important not to, and if I don't let some of this feeling (whatever it is!) out, I'm not sure what will happen.
"I pray that I may never meddle, interfere, dictate, give advice that is not wanted, or assist when my services are not needed. If I can help people, I'll do it by giving them a chance to help themselves; and if I can uplift or inspire, let it be by example, inference and suggestion, rather than by injunction and dictation. That is to say, I desire to be radiant -- to radiate life!"
-- Elbert Hubbard

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