if you have the faith ...
I have been thinking more and more lately about what it really means to totally surrender something to God. There is one area in my life in particular that I have been wrestling with quite a bit. The other day I read in Genesis 32 the story of Jacob wrestling with God through the night, and I thought about how Jacob seemed to realize that he wasn’t winning by wrestling on his own, so he stepped wrestling in his own strength and instead clung to this Man until the Man (God) agreed to bless him. I have read this story before, but never really tried to apply it to my life too much.
I have always been struck by the story of Abraham and his willingness to sacrifice Isaac if that was what God required. I have things in my life that I feel I have exhibited that sacrificial attitude with, but if I’m honest with myself I realize there are more things that I still hold on to and with which I refuse to even get close to that "Mount of Sacrifice". I hold on to things and people and try to figure out what to do, and I ask God to give me wisdom and guidance and clarity. But instead what I get from God is the prompting to bring these things to Him and leave them there. I may do that for a time – for an hour or a day or maybe even a week … but more often than not, I end up going back to them and trying to wrestle out a solution. If I really surrender them as I feel He’s calling me to do, they won’t be anything that I can worry about or try to figure out, because they’ll be in His hands (and not mine).
Something I am praying about increasingly is that God will help my faith to grow. I know that if I have the faith of a mustard seed, I will be able to move mountains and do amazing things. But imagine if my faith is even bigger than that … even when I think about how small my life really is in light of eternity, it astounds me to think what things God could do if I had a greater and stronger faith in Him and His ways. And part of this faith is learning to surrender my life, my heart, my will … my all … to God, and to LEAVE IT THERE. I have said often that this life is one that needs to be lived with open hands, and that is what I long to do, with every single facet of my existence.
I have been thinking and praying about this stuff for the past few days, and then the other night my devotions spoke directly to this idea. Here’s a quote from a recent reading:
We will not get victory in prayer until we too cease our struggling, giving up our own will and throw our arms about our Father's neck in clinging faith.
What can puny human strength take by force out of the hand of Omnipotence? Can we wrest blessing by force from God? It is never the violence of willfulness that prevails with God. It is the might of clinging faith, that gets the blessing and the victories. It is not when we press and urge our own will, but when humility and trust unite in saying, "Not my will, but Thine." We are strong with God only in the degree that self is conquered and is dead. Not by wrestling, but by clinging can we get the blessing.
--J. R. Miller
love the one you're with
You might read the subject line and think "oh great -- another post about love or learning to be content alone" or something like that. Nope, when I think about loving the one
I'm with I am thinking about loving myself.
Today was one of those days when I realize I really, really like who I am. Please don't take this to mean that I think I am perfect or that I have attained some state where I don't need grace and God to continue to make me more like Him and transform my life into something He can use ... what I mean is that I really enjoy how He has created me, and the unique blend of things that make me me.
The other day I was at a cook-out for work ... me and a bunch of high school kids, the majority of which were girls. Anyone who knows me knows that in general I am more comfortable with guys than girls -- I think it's that tomboy in me that has refused to go away. Anyway ... there was one girl in particular who was seriously looking me up and down with disgust -- repeatedly. I wasn't sure what the problem was, and I almost caught myself reverting back to high school, when I was a little bit shy and unsure of myself, ESPECIALLY with other girls. I always felt like I was too rugged for them, and -- while the girls in class were talking about nail polish and the latest sales at the mall ... I was sitting with the guys, talking about going hiking or rollerblading. I was too tough for the girls, and too much of a girl for the guys.
Anyway, the other day I had a brief moment where I felt that weird shy/self-conscious feeling again with this girl. Strange, right? I mean I am 11 years older than this girl! But still, I felt her eyeing my running shoes and my tanktop and I felt funny. So I went up to her and asked her if something was wrong. With a disgusted look on her face she said, "I didn't realize this was such a CASUAL event."
Um, hello?!?!?! Aren't cook-outs for the most part casual? Of course I didn't say that -- instead I smiled and said that I was just dressed to kick her butt in volleyball, and I challenged her to a game. Apparently she was unwilling to have fun, because she didn't smile or laugh or even look happy. Instead, she kept staring at my legs, and said with a flat-out
mean tone to her voice, "What happened to your
leg?"
Brief flashback moment again to the girls in high school getting grossed out by my scars and scratches from the past weekend's rollerblading accident ... but again I smiled and made some kind of a joke about getting in a fight with the last person who looked at me like she was. Anyway, I ended up walking away and talking to some other kids and we got a game of volleyball going. Eventually she joined the game, and I did kick her butt. :)
So later that day I was sort of feeling sorry for myself and wondering why I don't seem to fit in that niche of feminine beauty ... I would rather have a tooth pulled than spend a sunny day in the mall. It takes quite a bit to get me to invest time in painting my toenails or trying to find the perfect handbag to match my
outfit. I just don't ever think I will be a girly-girl. Sometimes I wonder if maybe this is part of the complicated me that should maybe try to be more simple. Maybe if I just try to compromise a bit, I would find that it really can be fun to shop and spend $6 on a caramel macchiato so that I can sit at a Starbucks in the mall and compare my new outfits with my friends. Maybe the reason I am still on my own (and not Susie Homemaker) is because I am the girl version of the guy friend that every guy wants to get good and dirty with while mountain biking or fishing before he goes home to clean up and go out on a date with some hot, curvaceous girly-girl in high heels and a short skirt. Sometimes I really do wonder if I missed the "girly" boat somewhere, and maybe I'm wrong.
But then there are days like today when I am SO glad I am not the girly-girl type, because if I was, I would miss wonderful moments. First of all, I woke up this morning and went on a run with my dogs, even though it was quite hot and I got all gross and icky and sweaty. While on my run, I met a little girl who was visiting her grandmother who lives a few streets over. Her name was Maria, and she was precious, and she spoke very little English ... but we were able to talk and share in a funky blend of her version of English and my very crude interpretation of Spanish. She loved one of my dogs, and she picked her up (even though my dog was not much smaller than her) and giggled as my dog smothered her with kisses. I didn't want to leave, but they were going out and I was just beginning my run, so we said adios.
I got home and starting working on one of the several projects on my "to do" list for the day: painting a couple rooms in my house. I forgot how much I enjoy working on decorating and just trying to create a really refreshing atmosphere in my home. I love it, I love to think about how it might make guests feel ... I SO look forward to the day when I will do this kind of stuff in a home that I will actually stay in. Anyway, I was pretty into the painting when I heard a knock on my door. I wiped the paint from my hands onto my overalls and answered the door to find Linda, a woman from a few streets down. She had come by to see what I was doing, and to ask if I wanted to come over for a little while. I told her I would finish up that room and then come. So I did that, and went over to her house and ended up helping her plant some flowers in her yard. She had gardening gloves and all kinds of little doodads, and she gasped as I just stuck my hands in the dirt and started digging and planting and just going at it. Maybe I'm weird, but I really like the feel of dirt between my fingers ... and I like the smell of it too. I helped her for a little bit and ended up coming home.
The planting helped to remind me that I had been wanting to plant a few things of my own, so I drove over to Stanley's Lawn and Garden, a cool little place just a few streets over from my house. There I met an older black man named John ___ (he told me his last name, but I don't recall it) ... he gave me the grand tour of the place and asked me several times if I was sure I wasn't a schoolteacher, because I really looked like one. He also commented on the paint on my hands, and that it looked like I had been busy, because I also still had dirt underneath my fingernails from the planting. I was enjoying his company so much that I didn't mention to him that I knew what I wanted, and I had seen it in the first greenhouse we went into. I ended up chatting with him a bit and inviting him to a Bible study that I just started at my house.
As I came back home to play in the dirt some more, and later went back to painting, I realized what a wonderfully full life I lead. There are so many things that I enjoy. I may have paint on my hands, dirt beneath my fingernails (it won't be there later -- that's just gross, I know), scars on my legs (those are from mountain biking with the boys from the group home), and wear baggy overalls instead of a tight mini-skirt, but I am learning to embrace the beauty of what it really means to be a woman ... for me, the essence of true femininity has nothing to do with makeup or nail polish or bikinis or high heels. It has everything to do with grace, love, softness, integrity, and living out every moment in such a way that God is revealed through the beauty of my life and my heart.
it IS about me (a little bit)
I have always known I liked birds, but it wasn't until I moved into my current house that I realized HOW much I like them. I like them a lot. And I see them a lot. I went home at lunch today and three cardinals flew right in front of me as I approached my front door. If I had been walking with my hands straight out in front of me (which would look really weird, but the results would have been cool), I would have touched all three of them. They were beautiful. They darted from one tree to another and then hid in the safety of the branches.
Lately I have so focused on myself and things happening in my life, that I have missed moments like the one I enjoyed today. My eyes are too busy looking down or looking inward, that they miss what's going on around me, and the beauty that surrounds me. I have a big activity for work this afternoon, and this morning has tired me out with shopping and phone calls and last minute changes ... I was sort of dragging up the front walk, on the verge of a pity party for myself when those beautiful red birds fluttered out of the tree. It almost seemed like God was giving me a little nudge and reminding me to get (and keep) my eyes off myself. I know that when I do this, I enjoy life a whole lot more. I find that the times I am happiest are when I'm doing something that has nothing to do with me at all.
This week the focus of my prayers has been my priorities. There are so many things I want to do, so many people to whom I want to reach out, so many books to read and places to explore. It's almost overwhelming at times, and on a rare occasion I find myself wishing I could be someone more "simple" who doesn't need change or challenges or movement or growth. But then I wouldn't be me, and me is exactly who God created and loves. I need to admit that I sometimes feel pretty good when I am super-busy, especially when it's because I'm doing things for other people. I fall into bed at the end of a long day, after having visited someone at a rest home or having listened (and not so much talked) to a needy client, and I think "today wasn't about me at all" and I give myself a pat on the back for being SO selfless, and I drift off to sleep with a smile on my face.
The truth of it is, that feeling of self-righteousness, that borderline Messiah complex is TOTALLY about me. And it's wrong. Worse yet, I am completely missing it. It should actually be about me a little bit, but not in the way I'm doing it now. When I'm exhausted and grumpy because I was up late doing something that I volunteered to do but didn't actually have time to do, I am really not being fair to myself, and I'm definitely not being a good steward of the time, body, and mind God has given me.
God calls us to be excellent at what is good. As Christians, we should be striving for excellence in all that we do. It doesn't please God when we stumble out of bed in the morning with bags under our eyes because we serve on 15 committees and help in 10 different ministries. He is not impressed by titles or well-organized group events or whether or not I put in my 10 hours of volunteer work this week. He cares about my heart, and He is proud of me when I am pursuing excellence in every area of my life. He is most glorified when I am best revealing His beauty, grace, and strength.
But God can't prioritize my life for me. He has given me the resources and the ability to do this myself. He has given me passions and desires and interests, but He also has given me discernment and wisdom. It is up to me to make sure I am getting enough sleep, time with Him, time to laugh, time outside, time for my mind to race with ideas and time for it to relax, alone time, and time with others so that I can be effective and excellent in the pursuits to which He has called me. As long as I am praying about it and seeking Him, a little bit of focus on me isn't selfish at all. In fact, it would be selfish if I
didn't spend time taking care of myself, because honestly -- I'm not MYSELF at all ... I'm His. And how do I think I have a right to neglect what He has just entrusted to me?
So, starting today (and ok, I've started this in the past, but failed pretty badly at it) I am pursuing a life of better balance. I will allow the right things to rise to the top. Yes, it is still very good for me to go and visit and do things for others, and I still plan to do that ... probably still with the majority of my time. But I also need to invest a little bit more in me. I am praying for God to show me anew what this season of my life is about. There are things He wants to accomplish in and through me today, and there are some things that He will wait to do until tomorrow, or even next week. The key is taking care of what He has already given me, and that's ME. I won't be of any good to anyone if I don't take better care of my mind, body, and spirit.
I am back to setting goals. The primary goal is still loving God through the way I live my life. But as part of this "it's a little bit about me" revelation, I have realized that I need to also be a good steward of future resources ... and setting goals is a good way to do that. I will NOT worry or be anxious about meeting these goals, but they do provide a horizon to walk toward. The other night I sat down to sketch out the next 40 years of my life, in ten block increments ... it was really encouraging and exciting to think about where I might be in 10 years, and where I definitely want to be in 20. Birds are on my list ... I want to live in a place where I see birds often. I have a feeling I may still need that reminder, even in 30 years, to look up and realize there's a whole lot more going on in this world than just me. But maybe those birds will also remind me of this day, when I figured out that it does need to be about me a
little bit.
how could I ask for more?
This morning I woke up late and sort of fell out of bed. I fed my dogs in a haze and I could feel the grumpiness seeping out of me. I grumbled at my dogs as they bounded around my feet, reminding me that they needed to be fed. I wanted to go back to sleep.
Then I looked out the window and saw a robin perched on a tree branch in my backyard, and I heard birds singing in the sunshine ... and I was overwhelmed with the truth of how GOOD I have it. Morning after morning I wake up in a comfortable bed, in a nice house with two energetic dogs giving me kisses just for looking at them. I ease my strong, young legs out of bed and step onto a clean floor and walk to a sometimes-clean kitchen to find some food or drink to put in my mouth (in which I have all my teeth). As I take my dogs outside I am free to stand and stretch and feel the sun warm my able body. I don't have to worry about my safety or rush back inside for fear of being seen. I can deeply breathe fresh air and let it fill my lungs without worries of being hurt by the air. Then I go back inside (bounding up the steps with a wonderful energy) and head inside to take a warm shower and dry myself off with a soft, fluffy towel that smells like mountain rain or something or other. I open my closet door and decide what to wear to work that day, not thinking at all about the fact that there are many people who dream of having a job at all, much less one that doesn't require them to be there until 8am.
This same take-it-for-granted attitude is one I carry with me throughout the day. I drive to and fro in my car, neglecting to think about the many different gears and shafts and belts that are all functioning in harmony so that I can move forward at all. I stop for gas if I need it, and pull up to a pump where fuel flows freely with just the flip of a switch. If I am hungry, I have my choice of countless restaurants where I can stop and pick up food, even without getting out of my car.
But even if I didn't have a bed, or a house, or kissy dogs, or a car, or fluffy towels, or a warm shower ... I cannot imagine asking for anything better than the opportunity to wake up to the gift of another day. There are few things better than enjoying the incredible privilege of being awakened by the evolution of the sky, from dark blue to pink and orange and light blue ... but even if I was not able to enjoy those colors, I would know they were there. I would feel the promise of a new beginning, I would sense the hope of a new chapter in the book of my life. If I really stop to consider what an incredible awe-inspiring event a NEW DAY is, I will find myself unable to do much else but fall on my knees and raise my hands to the heavens in praise and adoration. I have a feeling tomorrow morning will be a little different than today. My hope is that every morning of my life will be another step in this journey toward the realization that I already have more than I could ever ask or imagine, even when I have nothing.
when I grow up ...
Today when I was out for lunch I was driving on a major road here in town. The sun was shining, the wind was blowing through my hair, and I was singing (and ok, yes, DANCING) along to Brad Paisley. I looked to my right and saw a pudgy face in the window of the car next to me. The pudgy face was completely governed by a one-tooth smile. I smiled at the cute little guy, whose hair was sticking out in several different directions. There was traffic, so we were beside each other for a couple minutes. Brad was singing about young un's running through sprinklers, I was happy, and the cutest little baby in the world was in the car beside me. If I stopped singing and moving, the little dude stopped smiling, so I kept on smiling and bouncing, and he was a happy lil' guy. Apparently he was making noise or doing something to draw the attention of the woman sitting beside him in the backseat, because all of a sudden there was a very proper-looking lady glaring at me. I am not exaggerating -- she looked upset that I was happy and she was in the backseat of a car with the windows rolled securely up and most assuredly either classical music or the afternoon news softly seeping from the speakers, not quite lough enough to hear. No matter, my mood was unshakeable, and the little munchkin was still smiling, so I kept on. She promptly said his name or tugged at his ear or something, because he turned his head to look at her, and then the rhythm of traffic changed and I lost my buddy.
Kids seem to have it right -- they smile for NO REASON. We "grown-ups" seem to have lost something as the years have passed. We have lost the ability to giggle and cry at a moment's notice. On beautiful days we roll up the windows and try our best to look important and distinguished and instead we just end up looking stuffy and boring. I guess what I'm hoping is that maybe my little friend today saw something in me that I want to be there more and more: an energy and joy in simply being alive. I know it's not exactly what Jesus is talking about in Matthew 18, but I can't help but wonder if part of the idea of "becoming as little children" is having that joy and light, carefree spirit within us. Some may say that an extreme in this direction would equal irresponsibility. I say exactly the opposite -- to
choose to become like a little child is an incredibly responsible thing to do. What did we want to do when we were kids? We wanted to grow up. Foolish souls that we were, we couldn't wait to get older and be out on our own, have a job, and someday have a family. Many of us probably missed out on the true joy of simply being a child. Now we are at a point in our lives where we can CHOOSE to have a child-like demeanor, faith, joy, hope, and expectant heart. We can choose to be surprised by sunrises and let our eyes grow large at the wonder of a butterfly fluttering about around our heads. I never want to lose that -- that wonder and amazement and awe and joy. I want to re-learn how to smile simply because the sun is shining on my face, or to laugh at a goofy person bopping around in the car next to me. I never, ever want to lose that.
The transition to the rest of my lunch hour is not an easy one to make, but it served to solidify those desires I just described. I went to the grocery store and ended up in line behind a girl who couldn't have been older than 14. She was looking around her nervously as she waited for the cashier to get to her order. Her small hands almost looked like they were shaking as they clutched a crumpled ten dollar bill. I looked at what she was buying and instantly my heart hurt. This pretty
little girl wasn't buying a pack of gum, or a new barrette for her hair ... she was buying a pregnancy test. I wanted to grab her and hug her and somehow take care of her. I did make eye contact with her, and I tried to speak to her through my smile. I was hoping I would be able to catch her on my way out of the store (though I'm not sure what I would have done or said if I had), but she vanished from sight as soon as she got her change from the cashier.
What did we want to do when we were kids? We wanted to grow up. Many of us probably missed out on the true joy of simply being a child. How I wish we could somehow get and give those lost moments back ... but I know we can't. It still hurts to think about that girl and what she must be going through even in this moment. But even more so, it makes me want to make that choice to become like a child ... I wish I had been living that out more at the store -- a child probably would have hugged her and squeezed her and not worried about the right thing to say.
I don't have a good ending. There is strength in contrast ... I left for lunch to go get some groceries -- I had no idea of what God would teach me through a joyful, pudgy-faced little boy and a distraught, beautiful young lady. A few posts ago, I mentioned that a big word with me lately has been "expectant" ... I move forward into the rest of the day, expecting to be taught and challenged in even more ways.
pass it on
If you ever went to a Christian summer camp or sat around a bonfire with your youth group, the chances are pretty good that you know the song "Pass It On":
It only takes a spark to get a fire going.
And soon all those around can warm up in its glowing.
That's how it is with God's love,
Once you've experienced it
You spread His love to everyone;
You want to pass it on.
Yes, it has a Kumbayah quality to it, but I truly believe there is theology in this song. I was at my mom's tonight and I came across some old hymnals and songbooks, and this particular song was in "Sing 'n' Celebrate", a songbook with a copyright date of 1971. Whew, what memories came back when I played the piano and sang that song. And it got me thinking about something that is a recurring theme with me lately ... the quest for authentic community.
I have been incredibly discouraged lately as I have been searching for a church and craving community and stimulating interaction with other believers. I want more than just the surface relationships that come easily through church potlucks and Sunday School classes. I want people in my life who push me and challenge me and sharpen me and change me. I want to engage in conversations where my mind is moving so fast that I can't even get the words out to convey what I'm thinking. I want to come home from somewhere and stay up late writing about a discussion I had with someone. I want to walk out of a church service refreshed and reminded of my mission. Instead I walk out bored and hungry and ready to drive to the Mexican restaurant for lunch.
What this song reminded me of is that maybe I'm wrong. Maybe it's not so much about seeking and finding community as it is about
creating community. No, I am not going to go out and start a church and preach and teach and lead Bible studies every night of the week. But since when was community confined to a church setting? In the Bible, Jesus communed with prostitutes and tax collectors and shepherds and fishermen, wherever he was and wherever they were. It's not about going to a certain place to
find community -- it's about creating community wherever you are. When I walk my dogs in my neighborhood and stop to talk to a neighbor, I am creating community. When I go to my office in the morning and step away from my work to sit down and chat with a colleague, I am creating community with that person. If I really carry Christ with me everywhere I go, I should be a walking, talking community creator. I can be that spark that gets fires going all over the place, in my everyday dealings with people. And when I'm doing that, I won't notice that I'm not
finding community, because I will be all wrapped up in it. There will be communities all around me. Someone needs to be that spark ... I am the only one who lives my life and experiences those specific moments and opportunities, just as you are the only you, and the only one living out those moments in your life. It's up to each of us -- can you imagine the fires that would rage if we actually did it?
so wrong ...
I've been so wrong, for so long
Thought I could live without the love that you give
I was wrong, oh, so wrong
I've been so wrong, for so long
I didn't know that I loved you so
I was wrong
Well, I never knew I could want you darlin
Oh, so much
Now that you're gone, I dream of you
And your sweet touch
I was so wrong, for so long
But I've seen the light, darlin, I'll make it right
I was wrong
Well, I never knew I could want you darlin
Oh, so much
Now that you're gone, I dream of you
And your sweet touch
-- Patsy Cline
I am listening to this song right now, and strangely enough it's not making me lovesick for a man ... it's making me lovesick for the One who created my heart and knows it better than anyone. I am thinking about God and the on again/off again way I
chase after Him. I am wrong again and again. It's not until I fall and pull away from Him that I realize just how much I want more and more of Him in my life. Our lives should be an endless pursuit of His presence in our lives ... I can never have enough of Him.
I have so much more to write, but soon I need to go back outside and sit under the stars and pour my heart out to the One I love.
oh, the joy of pruning
I was reading back through my blog the other day, and being reminded of how much has changed in the past year. I came across
this post, and I was struck by how I was in such a similar but also incredibly different place in my life just 14 months ago.
And then I stumbled across this quote in a book I'm reading. Whew, a little too close to home. If plants could talk, I'm not sure what they would say about how it feels to be pruned ... but I can't imagine it's a very enjoyable thing to have parts of you cut off. Still, there's that knowledge and hope that a greater beauty lies ahead. There's a yielding, and a trusting that the one holding the shears knows what he's doing. Plants can't really get away from it -- we shouldn't want to.
In mature pruning, the pruning will intensify as God's shears cut closer to the core of who you are. God isn't trying to just take away; He's faithfully at work to make room to add strength, productivity, and spiritual power in your life. His goal is to bring you closer to the perfect and complete image of Christ.
... Have you ever realized that a 'test of faith' doesn't really test anything unless it pushes you past your last test?
... this kind of pruning goes beyond rearranging priorities to the heart of what defines us -- the people we love, the possessions we cling to, our deep sense of personal rights. These are the very arenas that God must rule ...
-- Bruce Wilkinson
self talk
I like to read. At any given moment, I am usually in the process of reading five or more different books. I try to mix it up, so that I'm not reading three history books all at one time, or four deep philosophy works at once. I like to have a myriad of literature at my fingertips. One of my recent picks is a book that is about changing your life by changing the choices that you make. There is definite truth to this, and this book is inspiring and energizing and refreshing. But I have also been catching a little skepticism in myself, especially when the author talks again and again about the importance of "self talk". According to him, I should wake up in the morning and tell myself __ times that "I am great at buying socks" or "I am the best egg scrambler on my street" or something like that. Honestly, it doesn't make much sense to me. I'd rather just do something or live it out than tell myself about how I do it. I can see the merit in it, and I can't say for certain that I will never, ever do it (probably choosing other subjects than socks or eggs, though) ... but this morning I was reading in my Bible, and I realized maybe Mr. Success has a point. Maybe, in order to remember that I am a glorious creation in Christ, I do need to start reminding myself of some things a little bit more often.
This morning I decided to focus on Matthew 5:13-14, and then I personalized it as if it is really me speaking it in the first place:
I am the salt of the earth. But if the salt loses its saltiness, how can it be made salty again? It is no longer good for anything, except to be thrown out and trampled by men.
I am the light of the world. A city on a hill cannot be hidden.
Maybe if I keep telling myself this enough, it will become true in my life. Stay tuned for what I tell myself tomorrow.
a post script
I have been working and thinking, and still trying to absorb the idea of real joy. And there's something that bothers me. It seems like we (as Christians) assume that God
owes us happiness and fulfillment. We have our ideas of how He will provide that, but it seems like a strong current with people I know right now is love and marriage. Maybe I have the desire to be married. God has given me this desire, right? I mean, look at Genesis 2:18. God Himself says that it's not good for man to be alone. The implication is obviously then that it's not good for woman to be alone either, since she was created to be a helper suitable for man. It is part of the way we were designed -- we
should desire companionship with the opposite sex. It should make us happy to think about that.
But there must be a balance. I recognize that I have that desire, I accept that desire, I understand it, but I will not allow it to control me. I am willing to allow God to direct my life in either direction (married or single). I yield control of my life to Him, realizing that my agenda or my ideas of what I want are irrelevant. This doesn't mean that desire goes away, but it means that it will not consume me. I will not allow it to become an idol. I yield to the truth of Matthew 6:33, where I am told that if I seek first His kingdom and righteousness, then He will give me what I need ... and He knows what I need better than I do. He created me.
If I am really seeking Him first, He is number one in my thinking, in my planning, in my priorities, and my desires. Yes, of course, I have moments where that desire is strong ... so strong that it hurts. But the test then is where I go with that desire. Do I give it back to God? Or do I pursue my own means that I think will satisfy it?
The point is that Jesus is the only One who is capable of meeting my needs. That's the way God intended it to be. My intricate and complicated design is such that I cannot be completely satisfied with anyone or anything except Jesus. He's perfect, there's no way He can disappoint me. He will never leave me or forsake me ... no one else can promise me that. He alone has the power to be everything I will ever need, and that's exactly what He is promises to be.
The wonderful thing is that anyone can know this completeness and this joy, regardless of circumstances ... anyone can know Jesus. If God had designed us differently, it wouldn't be fair at all -- some people would be left out. Since Jesus is the ONLY One who fills up the emptiness inside us, anyone who wants to be filled can and WILL be when he allows Jesus to be that joy and life.
Joy and peace and contentment are what God promises us. Sometimes when we have these, we're happy and we feel fulfilled -- but sometimes we're not happy, and we don't feel that fulfillment. So if I have that desire to be married, and I think it will help me feel happy and fulfilled ... well, there are no guarantees there -- of God allowing me to be married, OR of being happy and/or fulfilled. But there is the guarantee of having peace and joy and contentment that abides, regardless of whether circumstances are "happy" or not.
This is what the LORD says -- your Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel:
"I am the LORD your God, who teaches you what is best for you, who directs you in the way you should go.
If only you had paid attention to my commands, your peace would have been like a river, your righteousness like the waves of the sea."
-- Isaiah 48:17-18
I think I know what will make me happy ... but ultimately God knows better. I need to trust Him more, and trust that He knows what is good for me. He has plans to give me hope and a future. I still hold to that notion that we limit God so much. I have the feeling that I have missed out on some blessings because I have tried to get God to act on my terms, instead of realizing that maybe He has a better idea. I need to trust him in EVERY SINGLE area of my life. In order to trust Him more, I need to know Him more. The more I trust Him, the less I will worry. And if I have less worry in my life, there will be more room for contentment and joy and being filled with the fullness of Christ.
I was talking to a friend of mine last week (the "I Will Survive" friend, who fortunately doesn't read my blog -- at least not that I know of!), and she was telling me that she feels so lonely now that's she's not dating ____ anymore. I reminded her that just because she is ALONE, she doesn't have to feel LONELY. I think sometimes we assume these have to go together, and we're wrong. I actually really like being alone -- it is my chance to recharge and refocus, and to just enjoy being in the presence of God. But we all have that basic need for some form of companionship. I read somewhere once that "loneliness is an attitude, aloneness is a circumstance." I think that's pretty accurate. I think a lot of people are afraid of being alone, because they automatically feel that they're lonely. They haven't yet learned how refreshing and valuable that alone time can be.
I know SO many people who equate aloneness with loneliness, and then decide that the way to cure the loneliness (which they are choosing to feel) is to get into a relationship with someone. WRONG! I truly believe that Satan spots these things in our lives and then twists them around to distract us from God. He uses those lonely feelings to make us feel desperate. And you know that when we're desperate, we don't act rationally. When you aren't thinking or acting rationally, you'll settle for something less than what will truly satisfy.
I have learned that God uses my feelings to take my eyes off of myself onto others. When I'm feeling a little bit sad, or even a little bit happy, it would be so easy to go to God and ask, "What can You do for me with this?" ... but I have found that it is so much more fulfilling when I ask "How can You use this to help me meet someone else's need?" Through this process, I see that is how I want to approach any relationships in my life, whether it be my interactions with the teller at the bank, or a relationship with a man I hope to wake up to every morning for the rest of my life. Instead of having the mindset of "What can you do for ME?", I choose to ask "How can I meet YOUR needs and help YOU?" As I focus on giving instead of receiving, I find that God gives me more than I could ever hope or imagine possible.
There is a word that has been on my heart today, when I consider people, and relationships, and life: expectant. I am stepping forward and asking God to help me today (and tomorrow, and the day after that) to open my eyes to people and opportunities to pursue, to give me the boldness to act, and to hope that those people are open as well. I'm not talking about romantic relationships, I'm talking about relationships in general. At my age (28), it seems like it's even awkward to try to initiate a friendship with a female. The last person I gave my digits to was a customer who I got to know through the bakery/coffee shop where I worked. We had talked pretty much every day for the three months I worked there, and we had all kinds of things in common. And she liked dogs and trucks! I thought she had definite friend potential. I think I weirded her out. She never called.
As I put my heart on my sleeve and open myself up to risk, I find that I am getting closer to what it's all about in the first place. It's what, as Christians, we should crave and recognize as essential to living an abundant life: authentic community.
I think I found it ...
We talk so much about discovering God's will for our lives. Well, don't be jealous ... but my search is over.
I was reading this morning in 1 Thessalonians 5. It seems that maybe God's will for me comes in three parts:
1. be joyful always
2. pray continually
3. give thanks in all circumstances
The rest of verse 18 tells me that " ... for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus."
Easy enough, but what does this actually look like in real life? Well, I do know that joy that is conditional is not real joy. It can't depend on circumstances or on people or on the weather or on anything but God and who He is. It's a fruit of the spirit, or maybe the Spirit. It's the underlying current in the river of life. I am pretty sure that #1 is a whole lot easier to do/be if I'm doing # 2 and # 3. Paul, Silas, and Timothy don't say "these things" are God's will for you. It's one inclusive thing ... "this". I can't be joyful if I'm not praying, and I can't give thanks in all circumstances if I'm not joyful. Whether I like it or not, these things together constitute the perfect will of God for ME.
If I'm really praying and drawing near to God and letting Him speak to me, I will be full of that joy. I will know in my heart and soul that I am loved beyond all measure or understanding. And I will not be able to help being thankful. And that thankfulness won't end when my circumstances change, or if the storm clouds darken my way, or if life isn't maybe quite as happy as it once was ... I will give thanks always, knowing that the One who orchestrated those circumstances is the One who will enable me to have joy that never fades or falters.
Thank you, God for this joy that is so great that I am unable to fathom (much less speak) of it. Thank you for revealing Your will to me.
the believers' prayer
Now that I am back to blogging, I am a crazy blogging machine. And my posts seem to be really long ... kinda like my prayers tend to be. Anyway, I was reading in Acts again this morning, and was struck (yet again) by how very different Christians today are from Christians in that time.
The heading in my Bible before these verses is "The Believers' Prayer". It sort of makes me wonder where the believers are today. Or, if we are believers ... if what we are really doing is praying. Who prays like this????
Now, Lord, consider their threats and enable your servants to speak your word with great boldness. Stretch out your hand to heal and perform miraculous signs and wonders through the name of your holy servant Jesus.
After they prayed, the place where they were meeting was shaken. And they were all filled with the Holy Spirit and spoke the word of God boldly.
-- Acts 4:29-31
The editors of my Bible decided the next section is an illustration of "The Believers Share Their Possessions". I am sure we think we do a good job today of
sharing and of giving to the needy, but still -- how do we compare to how they were living?
All the believers were one in heart and mind. No one claimed that any of his possessions was his own, but they shared everything they had. With great power the apostles continued to testify to the resurrection of the Lord Jesus, and much grace was upon them all. There were no needy persons among them. For from time to time those who owned lands or houses sold them, brought the money from the sales and put it at the apostles' feet, and it was distributed to anyone as he had need.
-- Acts 4:32-35
I feel just a little bit convicted.
stones turned to pearls
The past two nights, I have found myself laying on the ground and looking up at the stars ... both nights I began with tears in my eyes but ended with a smile in my soul. I am being reminded lately of how many choices we really do have in life. I think sometimes we limit ourselves, and I know that we absolutely limit God, by our ideas of what we think our life is about.
We are swimming in the ocean of life, basking in the sunshine and enjoying the feel of the water against our skin, when our eyes catch a glimpse of a beautiful pearl on the ocean floor. Our vision locks on this object, and we decide THAT is what we must chase after. The shimmer of that breathtaking object beckons us, and we forget how much we enjoy playing in the waves or feeling the warmth of the sun against our bodies. We have a new purpose. We gather as much air as we can into our lungs, and we plunge into the depths of the unknown, pushing with all our might toward what we think will satisfy. We take no notice of the spectacular coral reefs all around us, or the awe-inspiring display of God's creativity in the vividly colored fish that dart to and fro. We rush past one natural wonder after another, in pursuit of our new goal. We find ourselves swimming and swimming, and yet the pearl is still out of reach. It seems that it was further away than we thought. Soon we find we are running out of air, but, driven by the chase, we press on. Just as we begin to feel hopeless, we reach the ocean floor and find -- to our dismay -- that the thing that we thought was a beautiful pearl is actually just a shiny stone. Yes, it's still pretty, but it's not what we were chasing after. It's not what we thought we wanted. Discouraged and exhausted, we swim back up to the surface, our fatigue causing us to remain oblivious to the spectacular coral reefs and the vividly colored fish.
Somehow in the time that we were chasing after that "pearl", the sun has gone down. The once still water is now choppy and cold. What could have been a wonderful day in the ocean was lost because we thought we had the best idea of how to spend our time and energy. We pinned our hopes on that lovely pearl, thinking that it would bring the happiness that we felt that day was missing. Surely it wouldn't have caught our eye if it wasn't meant to be ours. But now, what do we have to show for it? A stone, a tired body, a defeated heart, missed opportunities to enjoy the beauty around us ...
Was the day really lost though? Our tired and shriveled hands now hold the object of our desire. As we look at it, we see that it is NOT a precious pearl ... but it IS a beautiful stone. It may not be what we were originally after, but somehow this otherwise plain object has a new value. We sacrificed to get it, and now it is ours. It is up to us what to do with this "treasure". We can throw it back in the ocean and basically shout to the endless ocean that all our efforts were in vain. Or we can recognize it for the beautiful thing that it has become to us.
In every single step of our lives, we have a choice. We may not be able to control whether the "pearls" of our lives are what we thought they originally were. We cannot necessarily go back and enjoy all the scenery that we missed in our pursuit of what we thought we wanted. But we can hold those stones in our hands and allow our eyes to see them for what they are. If the "stone" in my life is happiness turned to sadness, I can turn the object over in my hands and realize that I felt more alive while chasing that stone than I had in quite a while. I can find satisfaction in knowing that I set a goal and reached it, even if the goal isn't what I thought it was. The "stone" in my life can be anything ... and there is not much I can do to change those "stones" into "pearls". But I can change how I see those stones, and I do have the choice of what to do with them once I am holding on to them.
It seems like the temptation is to throw those stones back, once we realize that they weren't the pearls we thought they were. We may feel sorry for ourselves and regret that we wasted a beautiful day. But I don't think that's the way God wants us to live. When we do that, when we rise to the surface and look at that stone and feel disappointed enough to throw it back in the ocean (perhaps for us even to chase after on another beautiful day, and repeat the same exhausting process yet again) ... we are limiting God. We are limiting what God can do with that stone in our hands.
Last night as I gazed up at the vast expanse of darkness dotted with diamonds of light, I felt an aching. I felt a longing that I didn't recognize. Is it possible to be homesick for a place that I have never been to? Is there any way I can be lonely for Someone I have never touched or seen? Oh, it would be so easy to identify that aching and that loneliness as the need for a person, or a place. If only I was in ______, I would feel so much more at home. If only _____ was beside me right now, I wouldn't feel this irregularity in the beating of my heart. But I know better. I know MORE. I know that so many of the pearls that I have swam after have turned out to be stones. Still, I am given the choice. I refuse to throw those stones back in the ocean and go home and pout. So I clamber onto the shore, I dry off, I go home and place that beautiful stone next to the others. I step back and survey my collection and realize that the newest stone fits in perfectly -- the color and shape are exceptionally complementary to the rest of my stones. Together they blend to create an awe-inspiring masterpiece ... the landscape of my life. And honestly, I would have it no other way.
The sparkle of the stars and the songs of the whipporwills called out to my soul last night. They woke something inside of me that has long been slumbering ... it is a longing for more than this world can ever hope to satisfy. It the knowledge that the One who created the ocean, the pearls, and the stones ... He created them for my enjoyment, and also to show me, again and again, of the choices I have. Today is another beautiful day out on the ocean, and today my gaze fixes on the majestic coral reefs around me. Tomorrow I have a feeling that I may spot another pearl on the ocean floor. Regardless of what I pursue, I will enjoy my time in this ocean. I will relish in the strength of my legs as I kick against the powerful current. I will admire my strong tan arms as they paddle through the beautiful blue water. I will feel the power of my young lungs, full of breath as I plunge deep into the water again and again. And I will bask in the warmth of the sunshine as I thank the One who has placed me here.
nowhere to run, baby ...
nowhere to hide ...
I think if I had to pick one entire chapter of the Bible that is my favorite, I
might choose Psalm 139. There are other passages and individual verses that I love and cling to in my heart, but as a whole chapter -- this one hits me HARD. It had that effect the very first time I read it ... It was the summer before my freshman year of high school ... 1991. So I was 14 -- HALF THE AGE I AM NOW. I am sure I
read the verses before then, but that is when my heart really grasped the meaning behind those verses. I felt as if I was reading an entry from a journal (it was called a diary back then though).
I can still remember the day that God used those words to reveal to me what was already written on my heart ... I was sitting on a huge rock on the edge of a lake in Algonquin Provincial Park, completely alone and feeling just a little bit lonely. I was there on a "Wilderness Pilgrimage" trip with my church youth group, and it was "solo day." My youth pastor had dropped each of us off in different spots along the edges of the lake. I still remember watching his canoe glide away across the tranquil blue water ... with each stroke of his oars, I felt a growing realization of how small I really was out there in the woods. Armed with only my Bible, a bag of beef jerky, and my canteen (we were allowed to bring three things with us), I set out to find the perfect spot to read and pray ... I ended up climbing up on a big rock, and I spent most of the day up there.
I read Psalm 139 over and over again, and cried and prayed out loud, thanking God for His perfection in creating me, and for loving me beyond all knowing or understanding. I layed down and fell asleep in the sunshine, content and safe in the knowledge that God knew that was where I would be and what I would be doing in that very moment. I woke up an hour or so later, jumped off the rock into the clear peaceful water and swam and swam, finding refreshment in that new revelation, realizing that the cool water was symbolic of God washing me anew in the light of His love. Even now, to think about it my soul is bathed in a strange blend of overwhelming stillness and passionate energy.
The other day I read Psalm 139 again ... it had been a while since I had really allowed those words to marinate. I was reminded of that summer that really doesn't seem so far away (even though it was 15 years ago, yikes!). And my attention was drawn to verses 17 and 18.
How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!
Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand.
When I awake, I am still with you.
I will never, ever be able to count all of God's thoughts towards me. I write that, and even now -- it still doesn't fully register. GOD THINKS ABOUT US. And not just that -- but He thinks about us SO MUCH that we can't even count how many thoughts He has. How incredible! What in the world is there to think about me? How is there anything about me that is worthy enough that the Uncreated One -- the Breath of Life Himself -- would even consider me in His thoughts??? He thinks about you too. And He thinks about that person that hurt you so bad that you vow you can never forgive them. He thinks about the man serving a life sentence for some crime that he did or didn't commit. He thinks about the woman who, at this very moment, is selling her body and soul for a moment of temporary gratification. He thinks about the child who is hiding in a closet because he is afraid of the woman who brought him into the world. He thinks about the man who just cut you off in traffic, and about the political activist screaming into a tv camera. He thinks about politicians who are so concerned with votes that they ignore the urgings of their hearts. He thinks about the lonely teenager who is planning an escape from this world. He thinks about the man who is waking up in a cardboard box and trying to forget about the comfortable bed he used to sleep in.
You get the point. God searches and knows each of our hearts. He is familiar with all our ways, even before we know what our "ways" are. When I awake, I am in His presence ... so is every other single person in the world. When I really consider this, it changes how I live my day. I see every moment as a brushstroke on the canvas of a beautiful painting ... God knows every single thing that will happen today, every thought I will have, every word I will speak (when I should probably not even be speaking at all). He knows what other people will think of me, and whether or not they will really see enough evidence of Him in my life to notice a difference. He knows how my day will end, and the exact thoughts that will be in my mind as I lay my head on the pillow tonight. Verse 6 sums it up well: "such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain."
