nowhere to run, baby ...
nowhere to hide ...I think if I had to pick one entire chapter of the Bible that is my favorite, I might choose Psalm 139. There are other passages and individual verses that I love and cling to in my heart, but as a whole chapter -- this one hits me HARD. It had that effect the very first time I read it ... It was the summer before my freshman year of high school ... 1991. So I was 14 -- HALF THE AGE I AM NOW. I am sure I read the verses before then, but that is when my heart really grasped the meaning behind those verses. I felt as if I was reading an entry from a journal (it was called a diary back then though).
I can still remember the day that God used those words to reveal to me what was already written on my heart ... I was sitting on a huge rock on the edge of a lake in Algonquin Provincial Park, completely alone and feeling just a little bit lonely. I was there on a "Wilderness Pilgrimage" trip with my church youth group, and it was "solo day." My youth pastor had dropped each of us off in different spots along the edges of the lake. I still remember watching his canoe glide away across the tranquil blue water ... with each stroke of his oars, I felt a growing realization of how small I really was out there in the woods. Armed with only my Bible, a bag of beef jerky, and my canteen (we were allowed to bring three things with us), I set out to find the perfect spot to read and pray ... I ended up climbing up on a big rock, and I spent most of the day up there.
I read Psalm 139 over and over again, and cried and prayed out loud, thanking God for His perfection in creating me, and for loving me beyond all knowing or understanding. I layed down and fell asleep in the sunshine, content and safe in the knowledge that God knew that was where I would be and what I would be doing in that very moment. I woke up an hour or so later, jumped off the rock into the clear peaceful water and swam and swam, finding refreshment in that new revelation, realizing that the cool water was symbolic of God washing me anew in the light of His love. Even now, to think about it my soul is bathed in a strange blend of overwhelming stillness and passionate energy.
The other day I read Psalm 139 again ... it had been a while since I had really allowed those words to marinate. I was reminded of that summer that really doesn't seem so far away (even though it was 15 years ago, yikes!). And my attention was drawn to verses 17 and 18.
How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!
Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand.
When I awake, I am still with you.
I will never, ever be able to count all of God's thoughts towards me. I write that, and even now -- it still doesn't fully register. GOD THINKS ABOUT US. And not just that -- but He thinks about us SO MUCH that we can't even count how many thoughts He has. How incredible! What in the world is there to think about me? How is there anything about me that is worthy enough that the Uncreated One -- the Breath of Life Himself -- would even consider me in His thoughts??? He thinks about you too. And He thinks about that person that hurt you so bad that you vow you can never forgive them. He thinks about the man serving a life sentence for some crime that he did or didn't commit. He thinks about the woman who, at this very moment, is selling her body and soul for a moment of temporary gratification. He thinks about the child who is hiding in a closet because he is afraid of the woman who brought him into the world. He thinks about the man who just cut you off in traffic, and about the political activist screaming into a tv camera. He thinks about politicians who are so concerned with votes that they ignore the urgings of their hearts. He thinks about the lonely teenager who is planning an escape from this world. He thinks about the man who is waking up in a cardboard box and trying to forget about the comfortable bed he used to sleep in.
You get the point. God searches and knows each of our hearts. He is familiar with all our ways, even before we know what our "ways" are. When I awake, I am in His presence ... so is every other single person in the world. When I really consider this, it changes how I live my day. I see every moment as a brushstroke on the canvas of a beautiful painting ... God knows every single thing that will happen today, every thought I will have, every word I will speak (when I should probably not even be speaking at all). He knows what other people will think of me, and whether or not they will really see enough evidence of Him in my life to notice a difference. He knows how my day will end, and the exact thoughts that will be in my mind as I lay my head on the pillow tonight. Verse 6 sums it up well: "such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain."
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