who completes me?
Ok, so it seems like the pervasive theme of my posts for a little while is probably going to be about relationships. It seems to be a theme in my life right now -- I have friends who are struggling, I am going through some things too ...I "stumbled across" this article this morning. I put that phrase in quotes because stumbling sounds so accidental, and I am convinced it was no accident that I found this article. Ok, so the intended audience is probably about 7 or 8 years younger than I am, but Gary Thomas is a great writer and this article is still worth the read. Here it is. I wonder what other people think of it. I happen to think that he is right on target.
Thomas has a well-known book out there entitled The Sacred Marriage. It caught my attention a while back, but I felt funny buying it (or even looking at it at a bookstore, or being in the "marriage" section in the first place) ... I felt like I was an impostor of sorts. But I am ordering this book. From what I've read so far, it seems also to be right on target. I wonder if there are people out there (specifically SINGLE men) who actually think this way. It seems like it's probably one of those things that's easier to realize once you're actually in the situation, kind of like a child who fights and fights going to bed, but once they actually crawl into the bed, they are grateful for its warmth and fall asleep immediately. Ok, maybe that's not the best analogy. Still, I have a feeling that a lot of people wouldn't think this way until they are already IN the marriage. Am I strange in that I think this way now?
Less of me talking, more of Thomas' thoughts ... from The Sacred Marriage:
I found there was a tremendous amount of immaturity within me that my marriage directly confronted. The key was that I had to change my view of marriage. If the purpose of marriage was simply to enjoy an infatuation and make me "happy," then I'd have to get a "new" marriage every two or three years. But if I really wanted to see God transform me from the inside out, I'd need to concentrate on changing myself rather than on changing my spouse. In fact, you might even say, the more difficult my spouse proved to be, the more opportunity I'd have to grow. Just as physical exercise needs to be somewhat strenuous, so "relational exercise" may need to be a bit vigorous to truly stress-test the heart.
I didn't decide to focus on changing myself so that I could have a tension-free marriage or so that I'd be happier or even more content in my marriage. Instead, I adopted the attitude that marriage is one of many life situations that help me to draw my sense of meaning, purpose, and fulfillment from God. Lisa can't make me happy, not in an ultimate sense. Certainly we have some great times together, and she has been a wonderful wife, exceeding my dreams - but these great times are sprinkled with (and sometimes seem to get buried in) the demands, challenges, and expectations of paying the bills on time, disciplining children, earning a living, and keeping a house clean.
I guess what I'm after is a quieter fulfillment, a deeper sense of meaning, a fuller understanding of the purpose behind this intense, one-on-one, lifelong relationship. As a man who believes his primary meaning comes from his relationship with God, I want to explore how marriage can draw me closer to God.
There's another reason to stress this: Marriage, for all of us, is temporary in the light of eternity. The truth is, my and Lisa's relationship with God will outlive our marriage. Most likely the time will come when either Lisa or I precede the other into eternity. The remaining spouse will be left alone, no longer married - perhaps even eventually remarried to someone else.
For the Christian, marriage is a penultimate rather than an ultimate reality. Because of this, both of us can find even more meaning by pursuing God together and by recognizing that he is the one who alone can fill the spiritual ache in our souls. We can work at making our home life more pleasant and peaceable; we can explore ways to keep sex fresh and fun; we can make superficial changes that will preserve at least the appearance of respect and politeness. But what both of us crave more than anything else is to be intimately close to the God who made us. If that relationship is right, we won't make such severe demands on our marriage, asking each other, expecting each other, to compensate for spiritual emptiness.
Unfortunately, as a fallible human being I can't possibly appreciate Lisa the way God appreciates her. I can't even begin to understand her the way she longs to be understood. I'd get bored with myself if I was married to me, so it only makes sense that Lisa might occasionally be bored - or at least grow weary - of living with me. But God delights in both of us. God appreciates our quirks and understands our hearts' good intentions even when they might be masked by incredibly stupid behavior.
One thing is sure: Lisa can't look to me to be God for her. And even when I try to love her like only God can love her, I fail every time and on every count. I give it my best, but I fall short every day.
Sigh.
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