it IS about me (a little bit)
I have always known I liked birds, but it wasn't until I moved into my current house that I realized HOW much I like them. I like them a lot. And I see them a lot. I went home at lunch today and three cardinals flew right in front of me as I approached my front door. If I had been walking with my hands straight out in front of me (which would look really weird, but the results would have been cool), I would have touched all three of them. They were beautiful. They darted from one tree to another and then hid in the safety of the branches.Lately I have so focused on myself and things happening in my life, that I have missed moments like the one I enjoyed today. My eyes are too busy looking down or looking inward, that they miss what's going on around me, and the beauty that surrounds me. I have a big activity for work this afternoon, and this morning has tired me out with shopping and phone calls and last minute changes ... I was sort of dragging up the front walk, on the verge of a pity party for myself when those beautiful red birds fluttered out of the tree. It almost seemed like God was giving me a little nudge and reminding me to get (and keep) my eyes off myself. I know that when I do this, I enjoy life a whole lot more. I find that the times I am happiest are when I'm doing something that has nothing to do with me at all.
This week the focus of my prayers has been my priorities. There are so many things I want to do, so many people to whom I want to reach out, so many books to read and places to explore. It's almost overwhelming at times, and on a rare occasion I find myself wishing I could be someone more "simple" who doesn't need change or challenges or movement or growth. But then I wouldn't be me, and me is exactly who God created and loves. I need to admit that I sometimes feel pretty good when I am super-busy, especially when it's because I'm doing things for other people. I fall into bed at the end of a long day, after having visited someone at a rest home or having listened (and not so much talked) to a needy client, and I think "today wasn't about me at all" and I give myself a pat on the back for being SO selfless, and I drift off to sleep with a smile on my face.
The truth of it is, that feeling of self-righteousness, that borderline Messiah complex is TOTALLY about me. And it's wrong. Worse yet, I am completely missing it. It should actually be about me a little bit, but not in the way I'm doing it now. When I'm exhausted and grumpy because I was up late doing something that I volunteered to do but didn't actually have time to do, I am really not being fair to myself, and I'm definitely not being a good steward of the time, body, and mind God has given me.
God calls us to be excellent at what is good. As Christians, we should be striving for excellence in all that we do. It doesn't please God when we stumble out of bed in the morning with bags under our eyes because we serve on 15 committees and help in 10 different ministries. He is not impressed by titles or well-organized group events or whether or not I put in my 10 hours of volunteer work this week. He cares about my heart, and He is proud of me when I am pursuing excellence in every area of my life. He is most glorified when I am best revealing His beauty, grace, and strength.
But God can't prioritize my life for me. He has given me the resources and the ability to do this myself. He has given me passions and desires and interests, but He also has given me discernment and wisdom. It is up to me to make sure I am getting enough sleep, time with Him, time to laugh, time outside, time for my mind to race with ideas and time for it to relax, alone time, and time with others so that I can be effective and excellent in the pursuits to which He has called me. As long as I am praying about it and seeking Him, a little bit of focus on me isn't selfish at all. In fact, it would be selfish if I didn't spend time taking care of myself, because honestly -- I'm not MYSELF at all ... I'm His. And how do I think I have a right to neglect what He has just entrusted to me?
So, starting today (and ok, I've started this in the past, but failed pretty badly at it) I am pursuing a life of better balance. I will allow the right things to rise to the top. Yes, it is still very good for me to go and visit and do things for others, and I still plan to do that ... probably still with the majority of my time. But I also need to invest a little bit more in me. I am praying for God to show me anew what this season of my life is about. There are things He wants to accomplish in and through me today, and there are some things that He will wait to do until tomorrow, or even next week. The key is taking care of what He has already given me, and that's ME. I won't be of any good to anyone if I don't take better care of my mind, body, and spirit.
I am back to setting goals. The primary goal is still loving God through the way I live my life. But as part of this "it's a little bit about me" revelation, I have realized that I need to also be a good steward of future resources ... and setting goals is a good way to do that. I will NOT worry or be anxious about meeting these goals, but they do provide a horizon to walk toward. The other night I sat down to sketch out the next 40 years of my life, in ten block increments ... it was really encouraging and exciting to think about where I might be in 10 years, and where I definitely want to be in 20. Birds are on my list ... I want to live in a place where I see birds often. I have a feeling I may still need that reminder, even in 30 years, to look up and realize there's a whole lot more going on in this world than just me. But maybe those birds will also remind me of this day, when I figured out that it does need to be about me a little bit.
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