in the fury of the moment: 01/01/2005

Friday, January 28, 2005

a very, very nice story

If ever I get married, I would like my story someday to read something like this.

music to my heart

I feel like I'm taking the easy way out sometimes when I just post quotes or song lyrics, but they just seem to say it so much better than I do. There's a reason these people are making their living with this stuff ...

It's the feeling that somebody's watching
When we're dreaming in the dark
It's the whisper we hear in the silence
Eternity in our hearts

It's the sense we are meant for a journey
But we don't know where to start
It's a restlessness nothing can settle
Eternity in our hearts

It's the longing for a home
We have never known
A yearning and a promise
It's the questions without any answers
It's a puzzle missing parts
It's the secret we've all but forgotten
Eternity in our hearts

It's a burden we all bear
A blessing we all share
An aching and the hope of glory

And for mere flesh and bone to contain it
We are almost torn apart
But it's the one thing that completes us
Eternity in our hearts

And so it’s believing that someday
We will see things as they are
And then we will know there was always
Eternity in our hearts
We are blessed with the burden of holding
Eternity in our hearts
- Carolyn Arends

what's in a name?

alternative title: I got nothin' today

The first name of Krista leads you to assume considerable responsibility and to prefer to work independently, without direction or interference from others because you have very definite ideas of your own. Your mind is quick to comprehend and you can be depended upon to do any job well. Because you tend to be somewhat of a perfectionist, you might insist on doing too many things yourself instead of delegating jobs to others who might do less satisfactory work. This name does make you quite direct and straight-to-the-point. Your verbal expression does not reflect your inner thoughts and feelings, and you often wonder why people react to what you say. The influence of this name does not promote the friendship that you desire or the relaxation and naturalness you should enjoy with people. It is a name that makes you far too practical and serious-minded, and makes it difficult for you to act with spontaneity. You could suffer physically through head tension, with eye, teeth, or sinus problems, headaches, or mentally through worry.

Thanks, Steph.

Thursday, January 27, 2005

the power of a library card

Just came back from the library, with some good findings:

-- A Search for Solitude, The Journals of Thomas Merton
-- Bird by Bird, Anne Lamott (I got this out a few weeks back and started it but had to return it before I finished it)
-- CD's!!!! Nina Simone (inspired by a recent viewing of Before Sunset), EmmyLou Harris, and Ron Sexsmith
-- a new appreciation for my elders

And the best part is--all of these things were FREE.

You may be wondering about the last item on the list. Well, I was walking over to one building from the other (the downtown library here is two different buildings, and they're connected underground), and in that hallway they sometimes have displays of artwork from different elementary schools or daycares or whatever. Today I was walking through, skimming through the Merton book, not really paying attention to what was around me. But for some reason I looked up from my book and over at the wall, just as I was walking by a beautiful painting of pine trees in front of a mountain range. The clarity of the painting was amazing. The artist had used texture and dimensions to create a very realistic depiction of the scenery. It seriously made me stop in my tracks (the floor was slippery, but luckily I wasn't walking too fast).

I backed up and looked at some of the other paintings, and they were ALL good. There were several different landscape paintings -- one of the Maine coast, a couple of lake scenes, all very realistic. I looked at the various names underneath the paintings and noticed that the actual locations (Maine coast, Rocky Mountains, Spain) were all painted by the same artist. When I got to the end of the display, there was a sheet with information about the artists. As it turns out, all of the paintings were done by senior citizens who are part of an art program at the senior center downtown. There was a special note about the one individual artist I had noticed (Edna). She is apparently LEGALLY BLIND. I read that, and just sort of stood there feeling like a big dope.

I am going to take a guess that Edna has not always been blind. Maybe she has a very lucid memory bank from which to draw when she paints. But still! I know I could not paint or even describe with words the way she did, even if I was standing right at the foot of those mountains or on the coast of the ocean. But seeing that beauty inspired me. I think my senses have been on overload lately, and I have been taking too much in. I end up distracted and unable to process things clearly. If I focus on where I am at that moment, I will have a much clearer image to return to later. And when my image is clearer, my remembrance will be clearer. Obviously it follows that then I will be able to process all of it more clearly.

Most of all, I want to be able to give that kind of clear representation of my faith and what God is doing inside of me. What if Edna has always been blind? Maybe her paintings are that clear because of the extreme detail that someone else has given her. Can you imagine being able to take descriptions from someone else and so accurately represent them so that others immediately recognize them when they see them? Wouldn't it be amazing if someone was able to paint a perfect picture of Jesus because we did such an accurate job of describing him, through our words, our actions, and our lives? Or better yet, if by following the details of Christ's life, our lives were a painting which people could look at and immediately see Christ?

I wish I were going to be in town on February 13, when the library is holding a reception for the artists. I need to thank Edna for challenging me to live a bit more clearly.

the way I was made

Listened to Chris Tomlin this morning on my way into work. I really like this song. I started dancing in my car ... unfortunately, though, there were people around. I didn't mind, but they probably did. Still, it felt good to not care.

(I changed "man" to "woman", since I don't think I was meant to be a man)

Caught in the half-light, I'm caught alone
Waking up to the sunrise and the radio
Feels like I'm tied up, what's holding me?
Just praying today will be the day I go free

I want to live like there's no tomorrow
I want to dance like no one's around
I want to sing like nobody's listening
Before I lay my body down
I want to give like I have plenty
I want to love like I'm not afraid
I want to be the woman I was meant to be
I want to be the way I was made

Made in Your likeness, made with Your hands
Made to discover who You are and who I am
All I've forgotten help me to find
All that You've promised let it be in my life

Wednesday, January 26, 2005

too weird

"We are in danger of forgetting that we cannot do what God does, and that God will not do what we can do."
- Oswald Chambers

Is it just me, or does this sound just like the Tozer quote I posted a few days ago? I was just reading an article online, and it included this quote ... and it seems to speak to the same issue (with which I'm wrestling), again.

Neat-o.

Tuesday, January 25, 2005

nice and sick

So, I'm home from work sick again. This is the second day. Actually, I went in today ... for about 45 minutes. And I couldn't stop coughing, so I left and came home.

I realized something this morning on my drive into work. I'm a nicer person when I'm sick. Ok, maybe my mom would say otherwise, because she's the one who gets to wait on me and pour me more ginger ale and walk my dogs for me, and listen to my whining. But if you asked the people in traffic this morning, they would tell you I was just about the nicest driver I've been in quite a while. I guess maybe it's because when I'm sick, I feel weak or something ... and my defenses aren't up. I don't feel like I need to race other cars into the garage, or try to rush through a yellow light before it turns red. I stop to let pedestrians cross (even if I have the righter way). I drove this morning how I used to drive, aware of other people around me. And it was nice. It was nice to see the look of surprise on the woman's face when I stopped and waved her across the street, and it was nice to see the shocked expression on the man's face when I let him have the parking spot I was going to back into.

Does our weakness make us more aware of others? I have thought this before, but then I guess the weakness passes, and I'm strong again, and maybe I forget about it. I'm not just talking about catching a cold or getting the flu, I'm talking about enduring suffering and experiencing hard times. Do these things break down our defenses so that we are slower to rush ahead of others?

I have a headache, and my body hurts ... but right now my heart feels healthier than it has in a while. So if a little fever is what it takes to get me thinking (and feeling) right, then please, let me be nice and sick.

Wednesday, January 19, 2005

bigger than me

"God is looking for people through whom he can do the impossible. What a pity that we plan only the things we can do ourselves."
- A.W. Tozer

There is a semi-major decision in front of me, and I am watching myself as I try to figure it out on my own. I'm writing up my list of pros and cons, and I'm asking the advice of others. I'm turning this whole thing into something I think I can control or do myself, and I should be letting go of it and letting Him turn it into something so much bigger.

I know in my head that ultimately He is the one that controls the outcome, and somehow I seem to think that all my plotting and planning and preparing will somehow make it go more smoothly. What a silly girl I am.

Wednesday, January 12, 2005

oh, that's all?

You know how sometimes a song just pops into your head, and you have no idea how it got there? It's a song you haven't heard for years, and it just appears out of nowhere. That happened to me on Monday morning, and the song is still in my head. In this case, the song seems to have come from God.

The past couple weeks have been crazy. Good, then not so good. Peaceful, then sort of restless. I think I have things figured out, and then they take a totally different turn. Through it all, I know in my head that I need to trust God with the uncertainty and the possibilities. But knowing and doing are so very different things. And the brain and the heart don't always speak the same language. So until my heart gets aligned with my head (which may never happen, since I am a silly girl), I pray this song will repeat itself again and again in my head until my heart finally learns the melody.

It's a hymn that I remember singing when I was a little girl. You just don't find this kind of stuff in some of the praise and worship choruses today ... I love 'em, but sometimes I wish they had some of the solid theology that was in the good ol' hymns.

Simply trusting every day,
Trusting through a stormy way;
Even when my faith is small,
Trusting Jesus, that is all.

Trusting as the moments fly,
Trusting as the days go by;
Trusting Him whate’er befall,
Trusting Jesus, that is all.

Brightly doth His Spirit shine
Into this poor heart of mine;
While He leads I cannot fall;
Trusting Jesus, that is all.

Trusting as the moments fly,
Trusting as the days go by;
Trusting Him whate’er befall,
Trusting Jesus, that is all.

Singing if my way is clear,
Praying if the path be drear;
If in danger for Him call;
Trusting Jesus, that is all.

Trusting as the moments fly,
Trusting as the days go by;
Trusting Him whate’er befall,
Trusting Jesus, that is all.

Trusting Him while life shall last,
Trusting Him till earth be past;
Till within the jasper wall,
Trusting Jesus, that is all.

Trusting as the moments fly,
Trusting as the days go by;
Trusting Him whate’er befall,
Trusting Jesus, that is all.

Saturday, January 01, 2005

a slacker's welcome to 2005

excerpted from my journal, and dated back so that I look like I am actually a good blogger

It's 2005. I'm sitting at a desk in my hotel room in Birmingham, AL. Just me and the bag of Red Vines that I just bought a few minutes ago at the Walgreens around the corner.

I can hear people laughing in the hallway, and I can still hear the snaps of fireworks outside. Man, this place has a thing for fireworks. From the moment I crossed the state line to the moment I pulled into the hotel parking lot, I think I saw more fireworks stores than ever before in my life.

So, I could leave now and still be happy that I came. The past 9 hours have been good:

-- My flight into Atlanta was ok. Nothing spectacular. But there was this great steward named Bubba. Big Indian guy ... not the person I pictured when I heard the stewardess introducing the rest of the flight staff. Anyway, Bubba made the flight for me. I got coffee to drink, and he kept coming back with the pot and refilling my cup. Seriously. Talk about service!

-- Another thing on the flight: the adorable little baby across the aisle from me. She couldn't have been more than a few months old. Baby was very friendly--mom was not. So I didn't find out too much info about the cute little girl. But I think she was the best-behaved child I have ever seen, anywhere.

-- I took the bus to go pick up my wheels for the weekend (sweet truck, Joaquin!), and encountered yet another adorable baby who this time appeared to be with very friendly parents. They were great, and even suggested a couple places in GA for me to check out.

-- I felt like it would have just been morally wrong to be in the south and not eat at a Waffle House, so I did. I wasn't even necessarily that hungry, but I saw the sign, so I stopped. Apparently I was hungry after all, because I completely housed the "All American (or whatever it was) Special". My waitress called me honey and sweetie and made me feel a little less pathetic about eating lots and lots of food all by myself on New Year's Eve. The dining experience in itself was worth the trip--the cook was a young black guy who truly seemed to love his job. On top of that, he sang along with the COUNTRY music that was playing. I just don't see that in NY.

-- After completely stuffing my face, I hit the road and made it to Birmingham without any problems. I checked into the hotel and headed out to find the concert at a local church that I had seen an announcement for online. After driving past the buidling twice, I found it. I went inside and found a seat in the dark part of the auditorium, where I could slouch and play the part of the mysterious outsider. Apprarently one of the bands was from out of town, so there were other outsiders there who stole some of my mystery.

-- A few minutes before midnight, they handed out little flashlights. Then they turned out the lights. My flashlight didn't work, but I was standing between two fellas who had functioning lights. We joined hands in prayer and prayed out loud for people we know, people we don't know, and the moving of God in our own hearts. It was a humbling sort of experience--holding the hands of two people I don't know and will probably never see again on earth-- and experiencing that connectedness that comes only from God. We prayed into the New Year, then the band led us in "Your Love is Extravagant". I don't know the names of those men, or of anyone else there ... except Shauna, who hugged me (a good, squeezing-the-breath-out-of-you kind of hug) and wished me a happy New Year. But God knows who they are. For a moment we were brothers and sisters approaching our Father together. I guess they still are my brothers and sisters ... I just can't see them now. What a cool thing though.

If the first few moments were any indication, this is going to be a good year. Maybe it will be a fat year, if I keep eating Red Vines like this. (Who finished the bag?????)

in the fury of the moment