feels like home
I hope I never cease to be amazed by life, the wonderful complexity of people, and the perfect way that lives intersect and blend, even if only for a moment.While spending time with one of my clients today, we somehow got into a conversation about "home." We were driving through the edge of the Blue Ridge mountains, listening to Lynyrd Skynyrd (her CD, believe it or not), and talking about all sorts of things. She is 14 and has been out of her mother's custody for 5 years. She has moved from group home to group home, and has had a slew of people in and out of her life.
Somehow tonight we got to talking about how - no matter what we're doing, or who we're with - we can catch a glimpse of the mountains and feel like we're safe, and like we're at home. She said it first, and as I processed it I realized how true that rings with me. No matter where I have lived, there has always been some part of me that hasn't felt totally at ease ... but I feel more comfortable and relaxed these days than I ever have before. The mountains somehow have a soothing, comforting effect on me that I can't explain. My favorite feeling these days is to drive toward home after a long day, and see the mountains ahead of me or enveloping me, and feeling like I'm heading to my refuge in the woods.
Things are changing and beginning to take shape for me to get more of that feeling, as I look toward moving to the REAL mountains out west. The feeling of serenity I have here is nothing, I know, compared to the sense of simultaneous peace and breathlessness that I experience when I gaze at the ruggedness of the Rockies. Little things have been surfacing lately that are pointing me again in that direction, and I'm not sure how much longer I can ignore this urging inside of me.
Work continues to provide an incredible sense of meaning and satisfaction, as I have the privilege of being deeply involved in the lives of some incredible kids. I have enjoyed so many successes in my work, and I get such a thrill from watching these kids' lives move forward toward a brighter future. I continue to be amazed and encouraged by the power and resiliency of the human spirit.
I have determined that I never want to become so skilled or experienced in what I do that I lose this sense of wonder and awe. I will do all that I can to ensure that my heart stays soft and my spirit stays attuned to the needs of these kids and their families.
A few weeks ago, as I sat in the lobby of a psychiatric facility and waited for a treatment team meeting to start, I was encouraged to discover that my heart still is tender, although I wish I hadn't seen what I did. I observed a mother dropping off her son to stay in the residential facility, and I watched her fight tears as she said goodbye to him. As the therapist walked him down the hall, I saw the mother turn her face to hide the tears that were freely flowing, and I looked down at my notebook to discover raised spots on the paper where my own tears were falling. I ended up speaking to the mother, both of us brushing away tears as we talked. I assured her that she was doing the right thing, and that this was the best way for her to love her son right now. She said that she felt like a terrible mom, and I just walked over to her and hugged her, eliciting stares from psychiatric staff and other lobby guests.
That experience reminded me that ultimately my work is about loving other people, and guiding them to make choices that - though they might be difficult - are the best possible options to take. That interaction with a tearful mother helped me to consider the other side of my clients' situations, because I don't often think about the parents whose rights have been terminated.
There are so many ideas floating around in my head, looking for an empty spot to land. But lately I have not been slowing down enough for many things to settle. There is so much to do, so many lives with whom to be involved ... I don't want to miss a minute of it. I am encouraged by the God I see lately in the eyes of my clients. I am thrilled to experience God's love leading me to go hug a stranger struck speechless by sadness and ashamed of her tears.
I feel more at home than ever, and yet the mountains remind me that so much lies just past the horizon ... I am breathless in anticipation of all the goodness that is ahead of me.
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