epiphanies through karaoke
Last night was a strange one.I met up with some old college friends to go see a friend (one of their friends, no one I know) sing karaoke at a place in the city. Boy, was I in for a treat. Having never been to witness one of these wonderful spectacles, I had no idea what to expect. Now, I know that I should expect to want to leave just a few moments after I walk through the door.
It wasn't all bad. There was one person who sang who could actually sing, but it was one of my college friends. She has an amazing voice, and she can sing a New Kids on the Block song and make it sound good. Not that I actually know any NKOTB's songs ... and I never had their poster on my bedroom wall either (let's just set that rumor straight right now).
Anyway, back to the karaoke madness. Wow. I used to think that I had a bad voice, but these people made me feel pretty good about my pipes. Enough of the insults, back to the story. Ok, so I had a couple drinks ... and I have not had a drink in months and months and months. But it was basically a necessity in order to be able to stay in this place and not bust out laughing, or more realistically - burst into tears.
And I realized something. I have never been a big drinker, so I'm not sure I ever put this much thought into it before. But alcohol has a very unsatisfactory effect on me. It almost acts as a big search light ... everything in my life that I am unhappy about or unsatisfied with, is brought into the light when I drink. I guess, as some of my friends would tell me, maybe the key is that I don't drink enough. If I drank a little more, I would be happy and oblivious and nauseous and all would be well with the world. But I drink just enough for a little buzz that fades quickly and turns into an ache and yearning for something more ... and not more alcohol, but something that's more satisfying. And of course, when I'm a little fuzzy, I'm not thinking about God and how He is the only One who can truly satisfy me ... though that would sound pretty impressive and righteous, wouldn't it?
Nope, my thoughts ran all over the place, from wanting a different job, to wishing for a better apartment, and they at last landed on memories of an ex-boyfriend. Maybe if I were with him, then I would be satisfied. And I was literally 1 inch (the space between my fingers and the keypad on my cell phone) from calling him, but I was walking up the stairs to my apartment at the time, and I tripped on a step, and I ended up dropping my phone. In the minute it took me to retrieve my phone, I had a brief flash of clarity as I realized there was absolutely nothing out there that could satisfy me at that moment. Sure, it might have felt nice to meet up with him and maybe feel his arms around me and convince myself that it was enough. But if I really allowed myself to look at those areas that were being flooded by the beams of the search light, I would have to admit that nothing and noone can satisfy me except the One who created me and knows the little quirks and eccentricities of my heart.
As I let my dogs out and took them for a walk, I gazed up at the sky and saw the stars twinkling at me. And I remembered that I had seen those same stars the night before, when I had been totally lucid and feeling happy because of a simple night out of dinner and a movie with some friends. The stars were just a tiny little symbol of their Creator, and I was reminded how He is always there, whether I'm satisfied or longing for more, and He wants to satisfy me and dull the ache and hold me as the dizziness passes away and my fuzzy thoughts clear.
Who would have thought a night full of bad renditions of hard rock songs and terrible dance moves would end in me being a bit closer to the Maker of the Universe?
4 Comments:
Heh. You let the dogs out.
Sorry.
Seriously, though, good thoughts. Sometimes it takes a momentary lapse of reason to help us appreciate the grace that's brought us thusfar, so that we can step back and say, "you know what? I *can* find satisfaction in Christ, and even when I don't feel like that, it's still true. and that's pretty rad."
So, keep "Hangin' Tough", Krista.
I let the dogs out. Who, who, who, who, who let the dogs out?
Thanks, Dave. It is pretty rad. And dope too. God loves me and wants to satisfy me, despite myself. And He knows what I need so much better than I do. In a book I just finished ("Generation Ex" maybe -- there are a few, and I'm not sure which one the story's from) there was a story about a little girl who saw this old, rusty bicycle at a garage sale, and she begged her father to buy it for her. But her father said no, and the girl cried and carried on and gave her father the silent treatment for months. She thought he was the meanest father ever. Well, after a few months passed, the girl's birthday rolled around ... on the morning of her birthday, her father took her out to the garage, opened the door, and inside was a brand new shiny red bicycle with a big red ribbon on it. The girl cried as she hugged her father and realized that he had her best interests at heart all the time, because he wanted to wait and give her something even more special that would satisfy her more than what she thought she wanted.
Seems like I have been crying over some rusty bikes lately, and I know I should just be trusting my Father's judgment and remember that He has a reason for everything that He gives or doesn't give.
prayers for you today krista. and thanks to Him for perhaps having a little to do with the tripping and phone dropping.
love,
steph
http://unfinished.typepad.com
Something about Sweet Child of Mine has always stirred up something inside me ... I don't know why. Weird.
Anyway, I'll take my 500 points, thank you very much. But what do I do with it?
I read something once about someone eating a really good cut of steak and being so full that he didn't want the crumbs of bread and water that were all around him. When we fill up on the steak (Christ) first, we are no longer hungry for the measly bread and water of this world. I'm sure the piece I read said it a little better, but hey - the thought's there.
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