city of Almost, state of What If
It seems like my life is full of ideas lately. Ideas of where I should go, and what I should do. Big ideas, small ideas, ideas about who I wish I was, and ideas about who I really am. Do I even know the real me, is it someone I recognize when I look in the mirror? Or are there still all these different versions of me, like I used to have growing up? The church/youth group version of me, the school version of me, the family version of me ... when I changed who I was and what I said to suit my surroundings, in an effort to fit in at any given time in any given place.I don't want to be that person of many faces and many voices. I want to be me ... Krista ... but who is that really? And what do I do? My life seems so inconsequential as of late. I do things, but am I really doing anything? How is my life affecting anyone else? I read stories about great explorers and people whose courage changed the course of history, and I go to church and listen to the missionaries talk about going to remote villages and dangerous countries ... and I close the books and sit on the pews and think about what I'm going to have for lunch, or how I need to go get the oil changed in my car. What am I doing?
And I think lately my friends are probably sick of me, because I call them or email them and tell them about the latest idea that's floating around in my head.
** Hey, I finally figured it out -- I'm going to be a policewoman! **
** Ok, now I really mean it this time ... I'm going to hop on a plane and go to Asia and teach little Korean children how to conjugate their English verbs and have their tenses agree. **
** Forget the police and Asia thing, I'm going to go back to school and be a teacher here in the U.S. **
But what do I actually do with any of these ideas? I say them out loud, as if speaking them will cause them to materialize. And then I let the words fall to the ground, without watering them or tending to them again.
There are all these things I almost did. I almost transferred to a college in California my junior year, I almost took a job in Denver right after college. But the truth is - I didn't. And whether my decisions were right or wrong, they're done. There are some different opportunities in front of me now, and part of my fear in neglecting those opportunities is the "almost" idea. Are these things that I want to tell someone later that I almost did? Am I going to regret not doing them? And if so, is it possible for me to do everything so that I don't regret not doing it? Am I even making sense?
What I am realizing though is that I am where I am now for a reason. At the end of this time, I don't want to have to say "I almost lived my life" or "What if I had lived each day as it came, instead of wondering where the next day would take me?" What if I lived a life where I trusted the One who created everything around me, and I almost lived as the lillies of the field and the birds of the air? Now that would be something.
5 Comments:
Krista -
I am right there with you. There are so many ideas and possibilities, but also a lot of fear of the unknown. But I don't want to look back on my life and think, "Wow, what a boring and repetitive existence." I want to be able to reminise with friends I met along the journey about the crazy adventures and lessons we discovered as we followed the winding path that Christ has for us. Here's to living life to the fullest - even our day to day life.
I find I also have this tendency to look at other people's lives and think that their's are so much more exciting, rewarding, etc. than mine ... but my life is the only one I'm living. And maybe they look at my life and think the very same things ...
"It makes no difference what we are doing. What you are doing, I cannot do, and what I am doing, you cannot do. Only sometimes we forget and we spend more time looking at somebody else and wishing we were doing something else. We waste our time thinking of tomorrow and today we let the day pass and yesterday is gone."
- Mother Teresa
yes! beautiful, beautiful rambling, krista. that's all the stuff i've been asking/saying lately. especially in one of my classes, which is a counseling type class... and i have been so surprised to hear the counselor say, "tell God about it. tell Him you don't know what you're doing. tell Him the desires of your heart. tell Him He's going to have to show you and lead you. give it to Him. ask Him to show you what He has for you today, and don't worry about tomorrow." it sounds so simple and cliche, but it's seeped into my heart in a new way. funny what julie said... i've almost written a post called "life to the fullest," listing off all of the things that i think would make my life full. but i really just need to list them off to God. yes, He knows them, but what freedom comes when you just sit with Him and say, "you know God, i want a house with a porch swing. i want a husband who sings in the shower. i want lots of animals. i want to change people's lives."
He wants to give you good things. He wants to fulfill His promises to you. He had them planned before you were even conceived!
trust and faith is what it comes down to. that's all that really matters.
Thanks, Darce.
These are classes you're taking at church? What church do you go to? Very cool!
And yes ... see my post from yesterday about stumbling around after a night out. That night as I walked my dogs, I found myself talking to God about all the stuff I felt like I wanted to share with another person. And the peace that He gave -- I haven't felt that kind of peace in a while. It was great. It seems like one thing that runs through most of my prayers lately is "I have no idea what I'm doing, Lord, but You see exactly where I am in this journey You have planned for me, and I'm going to trust You for the next step." I never tire of saying it, and even though sometimes I think He probably gets tired of hearing it, I know that's not the case ...
p.s. I want a husband who sings in the shower too! :)
yeah, well the counseling-type class is kind of sponsored by my church, even though it's not at church. the counselor has her own ministry she runs out of her home. my church rocks! it's belmont church... you can get to our website from my blog, and see one of the other classes i'm involved with... the crucible. sometimes i think God brought me to nashville more for my church than school. i have grown so much there.
you could go there too if you come to naaaashviiiille! :)
*dangles cheesy guitar key-chain in front of you like a dog bone*
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