I must confess (re-posted)
note: Apparently someone thought it would be funny to post a completely pointless comment just to show off their extensive vocabulary, and for some reason the "delete comments" function doesn't seem to working, so I deleted the post and now I'm reposting it. I'm sorry if you saw the new date and you thought I actually wrote something new. I promise to do that soon though.
I am in my office at work ... door closed, shades down. From my speakers pours "Wedding Dress" by Derek Webb. I turn to look out the window at the rain splattering softly against the glass, hiding my face from anyone who might somehow be able to see into my office.
I am a whore, I do confess. I put You on just like a wedding dress, and I run down the aisle, run down the aisle.
I'm a prodigal with no way home. I put You on just like a ring of gold, and I run down the aisle, run down the aisle to You.
I have heard this song only once before, and the lyrics had the same impact then that they are having now. Big, drippy tears running down my burning cheeks, I fall to my knees on this drab gray office carpet. I feel naked and exposed, stripped of all my good intentions and self-righteous pretenses. Beneath it all, beneath the worship leader, songwriter, daughter, sweet granddaughter, cool aunt, thoughtful neighbor, slackish employee, and sometimes dependable friend, there lies a whore. A whore whose affections are easily swayed and purchased by the currency of this world. But when was the last time I ran down the aisle?
Even now, I sit at the doorway with a heavy heart and tear-filled eyes ... unable to pull myself to my feet and run to the One who longs to satisfy the deepest longings of my unfaithful heart and love me as only He can. And yet somehow, my Lord waits for me patiently ... even in this moment, knowing what it is that keeps me from jumping to my feet. He knows how awkward I feel in this beautiful, sparkling wedding dress ... I feel like a little girl playing dress-up. The dress is ill-fitting and my feet are awkward and gangly. But still He waits. In His eyes, the dress suits me perfectly and was designed especially for me ...
But this moment is for me and Him. I am falling in to the tendency I have lately of sharing these intimate moments with others, when they should be a precious thing. It looks like I'm not alone though ... Darcie is going through something similar. There's this tendency with us to want to share everything with everyone ... and I'm realizing that the sacredness of the moment is sometimes diminished when the crowd rolls in with their gawks and stares.
Don't get me wrong, there is still something to be said about shared experiences ... but I am being reminded that shared experiences are even sweeter when they are not so commonplace, and the sacred moments are a bit more sacred when they're just between me and Him. I'll still be here, and I'll still be writing. But I'll also be hanging out in the chapel alone a bit, admiring the beauty of my custom-made wedding dress and laughing as I run down the aisle with no regard to the gawks and stares of the people who have their faces pressed up against the windows. :)
7 Comments:
Hi Stephanie!
By any chance, is your friend named Stacey? If she is, I am honored that that girl would tell anyone about my little ol' blog. She is an amazing writer, and I love reading her blog (especially since, unlike me, she posts on a REGULAR basis!).
It is very cool to think that somehow God can use something I say (or write, in this case) to speak to someone else -- especially someone on the other side of the country. What a blessing (and sometimes a curse) is this silly internet business.
I saw you have a blog too, and I'll check it out later today after I do a little bit of work. But know that I will be praying for you, that God will continue to use things and people to continue the work He's doing in your heart. It's amazing the things we see when we look through the eyes of His love!
peace of Christ to you.
Stacey,
It's true. You have a gift, girl.
Yeah, I really need to get posting more. I have all these thoughts in my head, and I think "wow, I should really post some of this" ... and then I'm not at a computer for a while, and I let those thoughts slip away without doing anything with them. Maybe it's sort of like my life, huh? Lots of good intentions and thoughts of what I should do ... but they slip away before they turn into real actions.
Ok, so Chad and Julie Love ... do these people have blogs? Hook a sista up with more good blog action.
i have a few friends who i call my "heart translators" and they are gifts from God in my life. what i mean is they can hear my words (as random or concise as they may be at the moment), but they see my heart and what i'm "really" trying to say. i don't know if that makes sense, but i have found in your blog, krista, (as well as in stacey's) something similar. i read your words and it's what my heart is saying. God has used you in my life. thank you for being His instrument.
That makes complete sense. I feel the same way sometimes ... one of those times lately seems to be when I read people's blogs. But aren't those moments great? They just make me want to give God a big ol' hug. Because His timing is perfect too, so I stumble across people or words that are completely right on with something I'm thinking or struggling with -- right at the exact moment that I really need it. Those moments remind me that God is sovereign, and even though I can't see Him or hear Him, He is definitely there beside me, speaking to me through the things that I CAN see and hear.
amen and amen! God's perfect timing, and the patience i'm learning through trusting it, is something i'm neck deep in right now. it's an awesome time of wrestling and letting go...repeat.
Hi Krista,
I've been flying under the radar on a lot of blogs - swooping in, gleaning wisdom, and reading thoughts that stretch my own thought process. Yours is one that inspires me to look beyond what I normally see.
Stacey has finally sucked me in (as you may have read on her blog), you can find my humble little blog at: jewlslove.blogspot.com.
Thanks for your great insights.
Hi Julie!
Welcome! And thanks for your kind words. :) Your blog is already a blessing to me too!!!!
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