bright mirrors that glow
Someone just told me that I’m glowing. He is the third person today to say that. I get a good feeling when I hear that, to know that what I am feeling inside is being reflected on the outside. I remember a CS Lewis quote that I once read, "We are mirrors whose brightness, if we are bright, is derived from the Sun that shines upon us." I can’t describe or explain what God has been doing in me lately, but I am enjoying it immensely.There is a richness to life that I know can only come from Him. As I am re-learning how to fall in love with Him, and as I loosen my grip on my carefully protected heart, I am experiencing something that is humbling and more than a little frightening, but it is SO, SO right. It’s the thing that, if I’m honest with myself, I realize I want the most … to be fully and completely known. But of course, it’s the thing that I fear. Yes, it’s wonderful when you find that freeing experience with another person, and I do still want that in my life … but that pales in comparison to the knowledge that every single fiber of my being is known and loved by the One who summons the sun to rise with just a word.
I have known very few people who I feel really "get" or understand me – when I find someone like that, I know I have found a treasure because I’m a complex individual. I have been told that I’m an enigma … and I feel that way – a lot. I’m hard to understand and explain, usually I can’t even understand or explain myself. So when I happen across another person whose soul speaks the same language as mine, another part of me comes alive. I strongly believe that there is some part of me that is in a way weary of limitation … I get tired of holding parts of me back so that others can understand me or find a relationship with me a bit more manageable. I really believe there is some part of me that NEEDS to be nourished … it’s the part of me that has the power to develop the true potential of who I can be – who I was created to be. It’s an amazing thing to have a relationship (of whatever form) with another person in which that part of you is really being acknowledged and fed … but the truth that I have been overwhelmed with lately is that – as wonderful as it is to feel that type of connection with another human – there is a God who created that complexity and uniqueness within EACH of us. He is the one that makes that type of connection even possible.
I think a real temptation in life, especially in love, is to seek something that is in truth just a representation of a more abstract reality. For example, we "fall in love" and feel alive and feel energized and feel as if our lives are fuller than ever before … and we associate these feelings and experiences with that person, with the object of our love. What we should be doing is associating those feelings and experiences with the object itself. As Christians, we should realize that the warmth and energy that we are feeling have to do not so much with another person, as with Love itself. God is Love. He is also the Creator of Love, but He IS Love. That means that those butterflies and fireworks and even the solid rewards like growth and improvement – these things are just pale little shadows of what we are meant to experience. I’m not saying it’s wrong to love another person (I’ll hold off on what I feel about being "in love") … I am saying it’s wrong to think that, even if the person we love is a wonderful, godly, authentic follower of Christ, the connection we have with them means that NOW our lives have begun, and NOW we know what love is. I think we settle far too easily for things.
In all honesty, it’s frightening to think about the intensity and power of what we can have if we really plunge ourselves into the depths of God’s love. We can’t present our best versions of ourselves or really hope that He doesn’t show up before we have a chance to clean our house or get our makeup on … He sees inside of us. He knows every trace of evil or negative thoughts that linger in our brain … he knows the resent and fear that lie (maybe dormant) in our hearts. When we’re really and truly wrapped up in love with God, it’s messy and scary and painful and at times overwhelming. But it’s good, and I refuse to settle for anything less. That glow that it seems I have – maybe it’s a flush from the heat of this battle for God’s highest, maybe it’s a blush from realizing how undeserving I am of this kind of love … whatever the case, it’s good and I’m not letting go of it.
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