in the fury of the moment

the quest for the elusive VW

I got into a conversation the other day with a friend of mine about Proverbs 31. It’s a chapter of the Bible that seems to keep coming up quite a bit with me lately. In this conversation, my friend told me that she used to hate to hear sermons or read anything that cited those verses, because she always ended up feeling guilty and insufficient. She said it seemed like one big list of “to do” things, most of which she failed to do. I didn’t have words to say at the time, and I’m still not sure I do, but that conversation got me thinking quite a bit about the verses and the implications …

This morning in church, the message had nothing at all to do with Proverbs 31 or virtuous wives, but as I looked around the congregation I found my mind drifting to thoughts of those verses. Surrounded by families of various ages and sizes, I found myself in the minority as a single person. There was a beautiful, freckle-faced little girl sitting in front of me, and she turned around every so often and gave me a gap-toothed smile. I watched with warm feelings as she threw her arms around her mother’s neck and snuggled against her shoulder, smiling that same precious smile and looking at her mother adoringly. My mind was filled with thoughts of what a child should see when she looks at her mother, and I wondered about who this little girl looks up to.

Something that has been dominating my thoughts lately has been the idea that – as Christians – we are commanded to be excellent at EVERYTHING. This is not to say that we need to have the perfect body or wear the latest fashions or drive the most expensive cars … but it does demand that we do the absolutely best job we can at taking care of what we DO have. It means that we make choices to honor God with our talents, our time, our resources, our minds, and our bodies (to name a few things). This is the example that we should be setting for our children, whether we are parents or mentors or leaders in whatever capacity.

Proverbs 31 provides a list of qualities that King Lemuel’s mother apparently thought were virtuous. I admit, until this afternoon, I’m not sure that I ever really read the first 9 verses of that chapter, or thought about the fact that this chapter is basically a mother’s speech to her son. It’s easy to understand the mindset of the friend I mentioned earlier – this list of seemingly unattainable virtue seems a bit intimidating. But to me, these verses still don’t even scratch the surface of what we (as women) should be doing and choosing and living. Today as I considered the tone of these verses, I realized that they are not just about wives, but about women in general.

The woman described in Proverbs 31 does not wait for life to come to her – she is purposeful and diligent about going for the life that God has promised her. She arises early in the morning because she realizes that every day is a part of her journey, and she doesn’t want to miss what God has in store for her. I think even if this nameless woman did not have a husband to praise her, she would still make her life full. The choices that she makes wouldn’t change, regardless of whether she was single or married. She chooses to be purposeful about life, and she chooses contentment with her situation.

King Lemuel’s mother doesn’t describe at all the husband of this virtuous woman. We don’t know if he is everything that this woman would like him to be, but I get the feeling that she is so secure in herself that she realizes that she has a role of her own, and she is responsible for playing it. I think a huge mistake that people often make, ESPECIALLY in marriage, is that they make someone else responsible for their happiness. This is wrong. In any relationship, in any life, we are each responsible for ourselves: for our emotional well-being, for spiritual development, and for physical wellness. Why do so many people get married and then think they’re safe and no longer need to put any effort into being the best person that they can be??

I have long held to the idea that too many people expect another person to “complete” them. I am not completely sure how this works in marriage – I guess maybe it’s not about completing another person as much as it is about completing the other part of the marriage relationship. In order to do that though, each half of that whole needs to be complete on their own. The virtuous woman looks for what she can do with her circumstances – she’s competent on her own, she’s not waiting for someone else to do what she knows she is capable of.

Like I said, I never really thought so much about the fact that this description was given by a man’s mother, but I think it’s interesting … I wonder if this kind of thing would translate to today, in a mother telling her son to go for the really nice woman of good character instead of the really cute little kitten that he has his eye on. In verse 3, Lemuel’s mother actually warns him against the kind of women that destroy kings … kinda gives the feeling that maybe she’s telling him to stay away from the “loose” women of the day. She’s looking out for his best interests, I think, and realizes that if Lemuel can find a woman who fears the Lord more than anything else, he will have a gem that will be a blessing to him and to his children.

This is the kind of woman that I want to be, whether I’m married or single (and since I’m single right now, that’s what I’m working towards) … this woman does only good for her husband as long as she lives (verses 11 and 12). Ok, so I don’t have a husband right now, but the idea here is that to do my best in loving others, I am doing what’s best for myself. I am not weakened by serving or loving others, I’m made stronger. People can trust me because I am at peace with myself and with God … I am not looking for another person to answer any questions for me, because I know that Christ is the answer to any question I have. I know this will be a key thing for me someday if/when I am married … because, regardless of what someone else is doing or giving or being, I am self-sufficient in Christ.

Honestly? I love the thought of someday getting married, and getting up while it’s still dark and preparing food and a welcoming environment for my family. I really like the idea of using my strength to tackle the tasks at hand. The thought of someone counting on me through the hard times, and the beautiful strength shown in reaching out (through body, mind, or spirit) to the needy … these things bring me such an incredible feeling of joy and hope. I long to fill a home with peace and security and wisdom. When I read this chapter, I love to think about me living out this woman’s life. The thing I need to remember though, is that I can live it out even when I’m single.

To get back to the start of my post … the woman of Proverbs 31 is strong and resilient and dynamic and refreshing. Where are these women in our churches today? Why do so many get married and decide that they need to stop pursuing excellence in their mind, soul, and body? This woman in Proverbs 31 is a picture of beauty and strength and grace and tenacity. This is the type of woman that little girls should be looking to for a role model … it seems like we’ve missed it somewhere.

It’s getting late and I’m rambling now. I’m not sure I even conveyed what is on my mind. I just feel so strongly that in general we Christians live very small, ho-hum lives, when God shows us again and again that He wants us to pursue excellence in every way.

posted by Krista @ 9:33 PM