to be ME
If you're anything like me (which, chances are you're not - that's kinda the focus of this post), you have a difficult time feeling like you are really "connecting" with someone. This can lead to feelings of frustration and sometimes downright loneliness. I know in my heart that the loneliness part is wrong, and I refuse to give in to that FEELING ... but it threatens sometimes, especially when I have put my hopes on a relationship as being different than others that I've known.The desire to be known and - even more - to connect with another is something that I believe God has instilled within us for a reason. So many of us view another person as being able to fulfill that desire, and it is easy to do this (sometimes without even realizing it). But ultimately the only One who can satisfy that desire is the One who knows us better than we know ourselves.
You may think I'm talking about a romantic relationship here, and I guess it applies to that, but really I'm just thinking about relationships in general. The most recent experience that led to this post involved me and another woman who is right around my age. She is one of those people that was a promising friend prospect. We have spent time together here and there and had some good conversations, and I thought perhaps there was potential for us to become good friends.
Please don't misunderstand and think that I am saying anything negative at all about this woman. I still see her as a neat-o person, and I enjoy sharing her company ... but today I realized that we are very different in some big ways. I admit, when we ended up in conversations on various topics and we held diametrically opposed views, I couldn't help but feel disappointed and maybe even a little cheated. Here was someone that I thought could maybe "get" me and with whom I thought maybe I might be able to share some of those deep heart desires, and she could be excited with me or frustrated with me or whatever. But what I found myself getting, instead of a sense of camaraderie or empathy, was a bit of a blank stare.
I talked to her about my neighborhood, and the passion I feel about reaching out to those who live around me. Instead of encouraging me in this discussion, she asked if I really leave my front door open and if I feel safe when I do that. When we went to the store together and I made conversation with complete strangers and shared with her how much I enjoy meeting new people and learning from them, she almost seemed a little bit uncomfortable to be beside me as I greeted others and smiled at passersby.
Now I realize that we are all created differently and that this world be an incredibly boring place if we were all monochromatic in our personalities. But I guess I forget that sometimes. I want everyone to share my passions and to understand why I do things. Actually, that's not accurate - I don't want everyone to be that way, I just want someone to be that way. It's difficult sometimes, especially in areas of ministry, to feel like you're on your own ... sometimes it's even enough to cause you to question why you're doing what you're doing.
But, as I closed my door this afternoon (after waving to my friend who was still out front, watching to make sure I got into my house safely ... in the daylight!), I prayed to God and thanked Him for making me exactly as He has. I kneeled right there and told God that I will not wish to be someone else, or to live in someone else's neighborhood, or to have someone else's personality. I am special and I am me, and there is a reason that I (and not my friend) am the one living in this house. The things that make me "me" - those are the very things that are needed in the world and moments in which I exist. I am tailor-made to live my life, and to engage in the relationships with which I am blessed, and to BE THERE in the mountains and the valleys of the landscape of my existence.
God is perfect, and His plan and timing are perfect, and He wants me to be the me that He has created me to be, and not to be anyone else. It doesn't matter if I am alone in all that I do, and it doesn't matter if another human being never understands why I am the way I am. He does. He, the Creator of my soul, the Romancer of my heart, the One who prompts me to look up at just the second that a star is in a certain place in the night sky above me, the One who beckons me to look at the horizon at just the moment that there is a specific hue of pink or purple gracing the sky ... He knows my inside and the deepest essence of Krista, and He thinks it's good.
As I think more about this, I realize that there are absolutely other people who could live my life. There are other people who could work the job that I have, and maybe even do a better job at it. There are other people who could take part in the relationships of my life, and maybe have more success in certain areas. I am confident that there is someone who could be a better sister, a better daughter, a better driver, a better pet owner, a better singer or guitar player, a better girlfriend, and someday a better wife or mother than I can. I will always be able to find someone who can outperform me in any one area, but I will never find someone who does any of these things the exact way that I do. No one else will bring exactly the same blend of quirks, life experience, perspective, passions, frustrations, strengths, weaknesses, talents, skills and individuality that I bring to a situation. And so, even if someone might be able to do something better than me, they wouldn't be able to do it the same as me. There's something to that.
I was thinking today about this idea showing up in the Bible. I have always been struck by the differences between Mary and Martha, and how they acted toward Jesus. If I remember correctly, when Jesus first came to their house for dinner, Martha was busy running around in the kitchen and getting frustrated with Mary for not being like her. But later, after their brother Lazarus dies, Jesus comes to dinner again and Martha serves again, but seems to do it with a much different heart this time around. Martha and Mary still show a huge difference in how they act toward Jesus, but the difference here is that Martha seems more willing to let Mary be Mary. Jesus' interaction with them on this second visit seems to suggest the fact that he was pleased with this change in conduct. This example illustrates the idea that while one person's personality shines in one situation, another's does so under different circumstances. Through their individuality, both Mary and Martha were able to make a vital difference in the lives of certain people (in this case, Jesus) in certain situations ... this is something I believe each of us is called to do (ESPECIALLY as Christians).
I like something I recently read:
... if we don't respect our individuality - in how we live, and in the choices we make - others will be deprived of important benefits that God wishes them to reap from our life. Being the individual God has made us takes courage, though, and is a greater challenge than we usually expect. To meet it, we need all the inspiration we can get.
It seems, in truly embracing who we are, we find answers to some of the questions with which we struggle, such as what we are "supposed" to be doing with our lives ... the answer to that question is wrapped up in who we are. I believe that once we fully face the truth of who we are, we are in the best possible position to then make decisions as to how our lives can most powerfully impact and benefit others.
I'm off to go be ME some more and to live my life the way that only I can.
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