I am still not completely over all of that – I still sometimes wish that maybe God didn’t trust with me with quite so much. Sometimes I relish the experience of being in the throes of battle – of course it’s exciting, enthralling, and invigorating to be on the front lines and to be actively engaged in war, especially when I am fighting for someone who can’t fight for himself. I view it as an honor and a privilege to experience hardships and struggles for the cause of Christ, and for the cause of those I am seeking to love for Christ. But there are times when I find myself looking back at the smaller soldiers at the back of the line, the ones who maybe aren’t as trained or don’t yet have all of their armor, and I wish that I could find some rest by hiding out with them. In my heart it feels wrong, and I feel very strongly a duty and responsibility to the One who commands me and trusts me and my abilities enough to place me on the front lines … but when I’m tired and weak, I start focusing on myself and not so much on duties and the incredible honor of my rank.
Yesterday was a day full of prayer and reflection. I was wrestling with these ideas and still giving in a bit to the whole "woe is me" thing … and then I turned my eyes upward. It was right around that time that we (I was in a car with my mother and sister) were nearing the mountains. Immediately I felt relief and comfort, and the strange thing is that I felt relieved because I was suddenly reminded of how very small I am. As I looked at the looming mountains and the clouds that billowed above them, I felt myself and all of my circumstances shrinking in the shadow of their largeness. I wasn’t afraid and I didn’t feel intimidated by their greatness – instead I felt a peace in knowing that everything wasn’t about me … my problems are nowhere near as big as I am making them.
Mountains always seem to have a calming effect on me, and I’m still not completely sure why. I know that they remind me of God, and they direct my thoughts back toward faith. I know it’s a Bible verse too, but there is a song that I used to love when I was little … it was sung by B.J. Thomas, a singer who I didn’t appreciate that much at the time but I have come to really enjoy now. We were subjected to him and his music on road trip after road trip, and I just wanted to listen to the radio or Psalty (the talking, singing Christian song book) or some other fluffy children’s music. Anyway, the chorus of this particular song said, "If you have the faith of a mustard seed, you’ve got all the faith you need. You can do anything. You can walk along with the King. You can move those mountains. If you have the faith of a little child."
It's strange to me, that the mountains and their majesty and mightiness represent God, yet they also represent something that God will give me the power to move if I just have enough faith in Him. Perhaps it is their greatness that reminds me of God and His omnipotence, and their size and sheer vastness that represent things I try to tackle on my own. God is great and mighty and worthy of awe and admiration, and yet sometimes I make Him out to be so small and weak. I have been wrestling with all of this stuff and letting it wear me out, and then I look up and see huge beautiful hills and all of a sudden everything is smacked into perspective. What in the world do I have to worry about? These "things" in my life, these struggles and hardships, are like tiny little molehills compared to the mountains in front of me. It’s so easy to forget about their might and greatness if I look back down at my circumstances and lose perspective again. But walking with God is never something that is static or achieved. It is a process – an act of constantly growing, changing, learning, re-learning, losing focus and gaining it again, hurting, rejoicing, weeping, sinking, soaring, but most of all yielding and surrendering again and again.
For me, my faith grows through times like these. As I look to the mountains, I realize that this battle I fight is just a measly little skirmish compared to the mighty wars that God has already waged for me. Through fighting battles over and over again, my abilities are strengthened and my craft (the art of fighting) is honed a bit. But the mountains that rise above the horizon protect me from greater battles and wars that would most likely defeat me. I press forward in faith, wielding my sword and finding new strength and courage, knowing that I am more than a conqueror in Christ.
This is one of those posts that I am not so sure makes a whole lot of sense. Things are still a bit messy in my head and spirit right now, though they’re beginning to clear up a bit … but I cling to the truth that God is good and mighty and bigger than anything that will ever come into my life.
I'm closing with a quote from one of this morning’s devotionals:
"We never know where God has hidden His streams. We see a large stone and have no idea that it covers the source of a spring. We see a rocky area and never imagine that it is hiding a fountain. God leads me into hard and difficult places, and it is there I realize I am where eternal streams abide."
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