the matter of a heart
What a strange but wonderful weekend I had ... I went to the mountains, to hang out at a place that is designed to be a "nature preserve", or something of the sort - the focus is supposed to be about teaching people how to go back to the "way we used to live."I rode a horse bareback. I learned how not to chop off my legs with an axe. I dug holes and then filled them again. I took a bath in a stream so cold even the crayfish were shivering, while thunder rolled and lightning flashed in the night sky above me.
But mostly, I experienced moment after moment where I stood face to face with truth, in myself and in others. There is a blatant contrast that stands out to me when I reflect on this past weekend ... I met one person who - at first glance - simulataneously disgusted and confused me. I made a judgment about her and interacted with her based on that judgment. I saw another person this weekend that I had met before. I had heard stories about him, and in my mind I had created an image of the incredible person I thought he was. I interacted with him based on my ideas of him as a person.
In each of these cases, I was wrong. Krista grew up a little bit this weekend, as she was reminded again that beauty really, in its purest essence, has nothing to do with the outside and everything to do with what is inside a person. I met a woman who, though confused and perhaps a little bit lost, has perhaps the most honest spirit that I have ever encountered in another female. If it had been up to me, I probably would have spoken to this person as little as possible, because of my preconceived ideas of who she was. But, thanks to God and His ultimate wisdom and the way that He orchestrates the details of our lives, I ended up spending as much time as possible with this person. At first, I viewed my time with her as something I just had to "get through", maybe even in order to spend time with the person who I felt like I was really there to see. But somehow, as a weird series of events placed me with this woman for several hours, I found myself discovering quite possibly the strangest friendship in my life. We laughed and cried and had lots of those "me too!" moments. But mostly we were just THERE as things happened around us, and I think we both were surprised to find that we were able to share those moments so easily. In her core, this woman was beautiful and honest and true, and it was so refreshing to encounter that in someone. On the outside there were things about her that at first caused me to not want to look too long or not let her catch me staring ... but once I got to see who she was inside, I found that those things I had noticed before weren't even noticeable to me at all.
The other person that I mentioned seems to personify the phrase "things aren't always what they seem". This man, I had thought, was the major part of why I was there this past weekend. I had prayed and asked God to give me wisdom and words and opportunities in which to speak to him about God ... I felt very strongly in my heart that somehow this person needed to hear something, and maybe God would allow me to be the one to tell it to him. I looked forward to being around this man, and feeling just an ounce of his energy and catching just a glimpse of his vision ... but, as I sat and talked to him and saw the inner self of him, I was discouraged to find that there was not much there at all to see. This man truly seems to be one who (in reference to an earlier post) puts most of his effort into making the front yard look good, while the back yard grows wild and messy and ugly. This man talks a good talk and presents an impressive front, but after he does that he seems to vanish from sight, leaving nothing to support any good ideas you might have about it.
Maybe my words sound harsh, and I don't mean them to be that way. I sincerely enjoy every person I meet ... I appreciate variety, especially in people, and I cherish lessons learned as my life connects with another's, even if only for a moment. The point is that I learned a little more this weekend about how God sees us, and how that is how He wants me to see others. It is so much easier to just look at the outside and make our decisions about people and act accordingly ... but real, authentic Christianity is rarely ever easy, and it's hardly ever about what we would do if left to ourselves. God calls us to look past the outward appearance and at the heart. I'm not even sure it's that He calls us to look past the outward appearance - maybe He doesn't want us to look at the outside at all.
Things are rarely what they seem, and I am so relieved. Help me God, to keep looking at the hearts of others ... and please help my own heart to be one that others would want to see and learn more about. I think about how God promised to give His people a new heart, to replace their heart of stone ... I long for that to be true in my life, that I have His heart instead of my old, ugly hard one. I want that heart to be ruling my life so strongly that people don't even have a chance to notice the outside of me.
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