in the fury of the moment

stimulating conversations ... with myself

I got home from work today, just bursting to talk with someone. It was a life-changing day. A day that I really felt my job, and knew that (in those moments) I was exactly where I was supposed to be. My eyes welled up with tears a few different times today ... because of work ... and they were tears of compassion and empathy, NOT the tears of frustration that I have now and again cried over interactions with co-workers.

But I came home and there was not a person here to talk to. It would have been a good day to ask someone to lay on the couch with me and hold me for a few minutes while I cried out the tears that had somehow stayed trapped inside while I was at work. I wanted someone to listen to me and tell me that I was right to cry, and to be my ally as I spilled out my frustrations with uncaring adults who don't deserve to be parents. Most of all, I wanted to be understood.

But there was no one here to hold me or to understand me. Sometimes though, I almost think that my dogs "get me" more than another person will ever be able. They know that the times when I push them away the most are the times that I desperately need to be knocked onto my back with kisses and grossed out with stinky dog breath. And that's what they did today. At the end of the lick-fest I took them outside for a long, long walk.

We walked further than we have walked in quite a while. As I was serenaded by the eclectic blend of music drifting through various open screen doors and waved to by kids riding their bikes in driveways, I realized that somehow I felt as if I was being understood. There were people around me who, in the very moment that my hand was raised to wave hello, were feeling joy and pain and perhaps even unimaginable grief. I was not alone in my feeling, or in my being. Little children smiled and giggled at my dogs, and several old men watched anticipatorily for the opportunity to yell at me to pick up after my dogs ... and it all felt wonderful and somehow fit together to perfectly meet my unspoken need in that moment.

And somehow, through those smiles and looks of recognition and even the glares, I had conversations. Lots and lots of conversations, with other people and also with myself. At the end of it all, I walked into my house and laid on my couch and felt the words for which I had been yearning just hours earlier.

posted by Krista @ 6:15 PM