in the fury of the moment

line in the sand

2008-11-01T08:40:00.003-04:00

This scares me, A LOT. I have known for a bit that I would not vote for Obama because he is wishy-washy on many issues, particularly the issue of abortion. The way in which he says he is personally against it, but does not feel it is his right to impose his values on others does not at all match with his early statement that he would not want his daughters to be "punished" with a child.

I wish this was discussed more than all the "yes, you did"/"no, I didn't" stuff. Argh. I remember how active I used to be in the pro-life movement, and feel sad that I don't really even think a whole lot about it now. But when I spend even just two minutes with a child of any age, I am reminded of how precious and unique that child is, and feel a bit of an innate urge to protect them from any surrounding harms.

Please watch this video and think about the child. Don't think of how well Obama speaks or how McCain is a little bit goofy-looking. Think about the little baby who knows nothing of all this political mumbo-jumbo and who has the ability to grow up to write inspiring novels or perhaps develop a cure of cancer, and who has the right to witness a breathtaking sunrise and the chilly splendor of a star-speckled night sky.

gnats and sweat

2008-08-20T22:04:00.002-04:00

I am in South Georgia for a training for work ... and it's hot. The gnats seem to enjoy flying in my face and sticking to me anytime I am outside. I don't quite understand why they like me so much. I can be walking in a group of people, and for some reason the gnats pick me out and envelop me. It's quite a sight to behold, I'm sure ... just as I am when I have little black bugs sticking to me.

Have I mentioned I'm not a huge fan of summer in Georgia? I suppose it could be worse. I could LIVE in this area with all the overly friendly gnats.

This is a wonderfully deep post.

I miss my husband.

I am looking forward to finishing my degree in February. I am SO ready to be a counselor/therapist/something else ... but I don't think I will be pursuing any job changes until after the tentative move out west in a couple years.

I am not even sure what I'm writing about.

I miss my husband. And, surprisingly, I miss my kitchen and all that it holds. A lot.

I'm heading out now to battle the gnats (the high-speed in my room is actually no-speed, which means I have to trek over here to the conference center lobby to get on their wireless).

Ok, that's all for now. The gnats call, and I must answer.

ha ha

2008-07-23T16:11:00.002-04:00

I'm married, and I have the pictures to prove it. You can find them here.

More soon (writing, not pictures ... although those may come also), I promise.

hooray for Pioneer Woman and the beauty of procrastination!

2008-06-28T11:05:00.002-04:00

Thanks to Darcie, I am now addicted to this site, and am using it (quite successfully) as an avenue to procrastinate all the various papers I need to write for school. The semester ends next week, and I have two book reviews (for books I haven't actually read), and a final paper to write (about a topic on which I have not considered at all).

So it makes perfect sense that I have been up for over three hours, and all I have done was make coffee, feed the dogs, unload the dishwasher and read about Ree and her man and how he swept her off her feet. That's about right.

This morning, my new hubbie went off fishing with his buddies to leave me alone to concentrate on schoolwork ... and I have done NONE of it. Hubbie ... still weird to think that I have one of those. But I have, for two weeks now ... and I like it an awful lot.

Speaking of hubbie ... I do believe I hear a certain white Jeep pulling into the driveway, so I need to go act very studious and productive.

More later.

ps - Thanks, Darcie. :)

I do

2008-06-12T00:08:00.002-04:00

And I will ... THIS WEEKEND.

Wow.

It's funny, I really sort of never thought I would get married. In a way I wonder what I'm giving up. Not when I think about him. Just when I think about MARRIAGE. So I guess I just really need to think about him ... and how I am crazy about him ... and how he held me tonight when I cried ... and how he led me in prayer as I sniffled ... and how I miss him during the day at the strangest times ... and how I already LOVE that I can just come "home" and see him and not have to make plans to get together with him. Because he'll be there when I get HOME! And home is a house that he owns, not a temporary stop involving a shady and incompetent landlord who doesn't fix things.

There's lots and lots going on, and it's a very good kind of busy.

I should be asleep already, but I am busy thinking about this weekend and about this new life on which I am embarking.

I turned 31 this past Saturday, and this Saturday I will turn into someone's wife. There's lots going on.

My birthday was wonderful. He told me what to pack but wouldn't tell me what we were doing. The day was full of surprises. We stopped at a bike shop and he bought me new riding glasses (after many complaints from me of what a dork I looked like with his silly goggles). It was HOT out, and I wasn't that prepared ... so he also bought me a tough little red tanktop, complete with skull and crossbones on the back in the middle of an ad for the bike shop.

THEN ... he took me to get a massage. It was actually a couple's massage, but at a strange place where no one in the room spoke. This caused us to feel as if we shouldn't speak either. It was wonderful but also very oily. So we had to go back to the house and take showers to get off all the very fragrant massage oil.

And then we hopped on his bike and took off to the mountains. I hadn't been to the GA mountains yet, and I liked them almost as much as the mountains in NC (but not quite as much). Very pretty, and very fun roads on the back of a motorcycle with a man who likes to go fast.

We had dinner and wandered around, and discovered that we had just missed the biker rally earlier that day. I felt a little conspicuous walking around in my red biker tanktop and my leather boots, almost expecting one of the tough biker chics to pick a fight with the biker chic poser (me!). But no one did, and we left in peace. I only wish I had worn my cowboy boots that day, to complete my look.

The drive back was even better, because we caught the sunset. Will the rest of my life be this nice?

I am off to sleep about photographers who don't show up (a real dream the other night) and whatever else comes up.

I will post a link to some pictures after I get them, which may not be for a few weeks.

But know that this weekend, in the mountains of NC, I will be wedding, kissing my HUSBAND (at the wedding, of course!), listening to a bluegrass band, eating BBQ, riding some horses, maybe fly-fishing, doing other assorted things, and not thinking at all about writing on this blog.

Catch you soon.

reason for my invisibility

2008-04-17T18:24:00.005-04:00

I've been busy ... because of this person (the bigger one):

who gave me this:

and now I'm busy making plans for a gathering in the mountains of western NC.
But I'll be back soon, with lots more juicy details and maybe even some pictures!
Hope each of you is doing well. :)

dreaming great dreams

2007-09-14T12:48:00.001-04:00

The weather today is my favorite: gray, rainy, and chilly. It's strange that I love this type of weather so much, because I would rather be outside any day than stuck indoors. But this kind of weather is somehow comforting to me. It seems like it's designed to get me thinking more than I usually do, while sipping coffee and relaxing in warm, comfy clothes.

I really considered working from home today - it's the perfect weather to do it ... but I had paperwork and filework to do, so I had to come into the office. But still, I'm sitting in front of a window, sipping coffee, and wearing warm, comfy clothes. So things are good.

This morning on the way into work I caught part of a radio show. The topic was "dreaming great dreams" - part of a 10 part series by Chip Ingram, who I always enjoy. The series is entitled, "Good to Great in God's Eyes" and I just went online and ordered the book. His words today struck some chords in my heart, and I can't seem to shake thoughts from my mind.

The main idea of today's study was that "God delights to do IMPOSSIBLE things through IMPROBABLE people to IMPART exceeding grace to UNDESERVING recipients." He talked about how we so often limit what God does in our lives because we keep Him in a small box and create small boxes around our lives, when He is just watching and waiting to instill great dreams inside us.

So much of what he said rings true in my life ... how sometimes we dream a dream and start to take steps toward it, but then an obstacle pops up or a door closes and we think we were wrong about the dream. Really, it's more likely that we are not in a place in our lives where the dream is ready to be realized. There are still things that need to happen with us before the dream can become reality. Like Joseph, who had the dream but then ran into snare after snare - eventually his dream became reality, but only after he became the man God wanted him to be.

My "dreams" lately seem to involve mountains, horses, other animals, troubled kids, and sharing lots of love. I am excited about the future and how everything may transpire.

2007-09-14T00:08:00.000-04:00

Lately the Bible has been coming alive to me. I'm not sure what's different, but in my morning reading - currently in 2 Kings - I am suddenly interested and intrigued by the stories of sons killing their fathers to take over reign of nations. Honestly, this particular section of the Bible isn't really all that exciting to me. And I know that God is not so concerned about me being excited about stories in the Bible, as much as He is about me living a life that is consistent with His ways.

But really, there are other sections of the Bible that keep me interested and keep me up later than I should be at night. The books of 1 and 2 Kings are not those sections. But I made a decision to read through the entire Bible, and I'm going to follow through.

Anyway, today I was reading in 2 Kings 19, and I realized I was actually absorbing what I was reading. Especially when I got to verse 28, which contains words God spoke to Isaiah for him to share with Hezekiah. They were talking about Sennacherib, who was not the nicest guy around at that time. The words in that verse really struck me. I love imagery, and God creates a powerful one here:

Because your rage against Me and your tumult have come up to My ears,
Therefore I will put My hook in your nose
And My bridle in your lips,
And I will turn you back by the way which you came.

My first thought was of a bridle on a horse. I guess I have horses on my mind lately, probably because I see so many of them as I drive all over the state. Anyway, then I realized horses don't usually have hooks in their noses. So I pulled out my commentary, and saw a note about this being a reference to the Assyrian custom of treating captured enemies like animals in a caravan. How powerful that God is using their own custom to create a picture of the way that He is ultimately in control over what happens to them!

I love the moments in the Bible where God sort of flexes His muscles and reminds man of His strength. I think too many Christians have a false sense of humility in their view of and approach toward God. We like to approach him meekly because we think we're being respectful, and in some ways while doing this we also treat Him as a weak God. I have a feeling that God really wishes we would be bolder and grasp a hold of the promises He makes to us, and claim the power He offers us. We are called to be more than conquerors, but it seems we act more like timid little kids than brave, valiant warriors. Verses like this give me a little bit of a rush, because I am reminded what a powerful, mighty God I follow and serve.

I have a renewed desire to know this book well. I constantly have a "to read" book pile by my bed, but for now the Bible is sitting at the top of it and staying there.

Lots on my mind, as usual. Last night while talking to a pastor at a nearby church, I heard him mention something about their visits to a local nursing home, and I felt a pull in my chest. I need to dust off my guitar and find a new place to plug in. I think one of the things I loved most about playing for the people in Sanford was that they always thought I sounded great. :) Of course, most of them also had hearing problems, so ...

I'm conflicted about a rambling man ...

2007-09-11T21:58:00.000-04:00

Lately, because I've been driving more, I've been listening to more music. And because I've been driving through the mountains, no other music seems to fit quite as well as the old, good stuff with heart ... lots of Waylon and Willie. And I love it ... but sometimes I still catch myself feeling a little troubled about the emptiness behind some of the lyrics. Can I sing my heart out without the sentiment seeping in a little bit?

Funny, I'm listening to Waylon right now. That's what you get for loving me. I guess maybe these are the questions that come with the quality.

Hm, can I ignore the sadness I feel when I hear about lonely cowboys riding away from women whose hearts they have stolen? I see the mindset being played out in everyday life ... and it hurts my heart.

This is one of those times I wish I didn't think so much.

starry eyed

2007-09-04T22:02:00.001-04:00

It was a challenging day ... the type that is good, because it demands the very best of me and results in much getting accomplished with my clients; but also the kind that finds me arriving home worn out and ready to fall into my bed.

As I walked the dogs tonight, feeling exhausted (especially emotionally), I happened to tip my head up toward the sky. I still don't understand how this works, but I immediately felt better. The sky is FULL of stars, and as I gazed at them I felt peace rain down over my mind and spirit. There is no logical explanation, and I hope I never stop having this type of reaction to beauty in nature.

Sometimes I wish I had more than two eyes, to take in all this wonder ... everywhere I go, I'm looking.

feels like home

2007-08-31T22:45:00.001-04:00

I hope I never cease to be amazed by life, the wonderful complexity of people, and the perfect way that lives intersect and blend, even if only for a moment.

While spending time with one of my clients today, we somehow got into a conversation about "home." We were driving through the edge of the Blue Ridge mountains, listening to Lynyrd Skynyrd (her CD, believe it or not), and talking about all sorts of things. She is 14 and has been out of her mother's custody for 5 years. She has moved from group home to group home, and has had a slew of people in and out of her life.

Somehow tonight we got to talking about how - no matter what we're doing, or who we're with - we can catch a glimpse of the mountains and feel like we're safe, and like we're at home. She said it first, and as I processed it I realized how true that rings with me. No matter where I have lived, there has always been some part of me that hasn't felt totally at ease ... but I feel more comfortable and relaxed these days than I ever have before. The mountains somehow have a soothing, comforting effect on me that I can't explain. My favorite feeling these days is to drive toward home after a long day, and see the mountains ahead of me or enveloping me, and feeling like I'm heading to my refuge in the woods.

Things are changing and beginning to take shape for me to get more of that feeling, as I look toward moving to the REAL mountains out west. The feeling of serenity I have here is nothing, I know, compared to the sense of simultaneous peace and breathlessness that I experience when I gaze at the ruggedness of the Rockies. Little things have been surfacing lately that are pointing me again in that direction, and I'm not sure how much longer I can ignore this urging inside of me.

Work continues to provide an incredible sense of meaning and satisfaction, as I have the privilege of being deeply involved in the lives of some incredible kids. I have enjoyed so many successes in my work, and I get such a thrill from watching these kids' lives move forward toward a brighter future. I continue to be amazed and encouraged by the power and resiliency of the human spirit.

I have determined that I never want to become so skilled or experienced in what I do that I lose this sense of wonder and awe. I will do all that I can to ensure that my heart stays soft and my spirit stays attuned to the needs of these kids and their families.

A few weeks ago, as I sat in the lobby of a psychiatric facility and waited for a treatment team meeting to start, I was encouraged to discover that my heart still is tender, although I wish I hadn't seen what I did. I observed a mother dropping off her son to stay in the residential facility, and I watched her fight tears as she said goodbye to him. As the therapist walked him down the hall, I saw the mother turn her face to hide the tears that were freely flowing, and I looked down at my notebook to discover raised spots on the paper where my own tears were falling. I ended up speaking to the mother, both of us brushing away tears as we talked. I assured her that she was doing the right thing, and that this was the best way for her to love her son right now. She said that she felt like a terrible mom, and I just walked over to her and hugged her, eliciting stares from psychiatric staff and other lobby guests.

That experience reminded me that ultimately my work is about loving other people, and guiding them to make choices that - though they might be difficult - are the best possible options to take. That interaction with a tearful mother helped me to consider the other side of my clients' situations, because I don't often think about the parents whose rights have been terminated.

There are so many ideas floating around in my head, looking for an empty spot to land. But lately I have not been slowing down enough for many things to settle. There is so much to do, so many lives with whom to be involved ... I don't want to miss a minute of it. I am encouraged by the God I see lately in the eyes of my clients. I am thrilled to experience God's love leading me to go hug a stranger struck speechless by sadness and ashamed of her tears.

I feel more at home than ever, and yet the mountains remind me that so much lies just past the horizon ... I am breathless in anticipation of all the goodness that is ahead of me.

the strength of weakness

2007-08-19T02:05:00.000-04:00

It was a Jeep-driving, star-gazing, enough of a wonderful chill to have the heat blowing on my feet kind of day (and night). I started the day with my traditional Saturday fare of pancakes, and indulged in some lazy morning time in my pj's. Then I went to see one of my clients, and took him for his very first Jeep ride, an occasion celebrated by a trip to (where else?) McDonald's. So much for working with him on his goal of eating healthy.

This evening I went to church. It is very telling and encouraging to me that I feel a sense of rest and relief when I walk through the doors of that building. The message tonight was good, although I couldn't tell you exactly what it was about. I latched on to one particular thing that Pastor Josiah said, and I mulled it over in my mind for the rest of the service.

He told a story of the very first church that he pastored, and the prideful, over-confident, fresh-from-seminary graduate that he was. Shortly after he moved to town and took lead of the church, he found himself in a situation with a member of the community in which he had absolutely no idea of what to do. He thought seminary had prepared him well, but as he approached this situation in a helping capacity he realized that he had no knowledge or experience on which to rely. He found himself praying to God - a very simple, humble prayer in which he kept repeating the words, "Help, God. Please help." He was so overwhelmed by the greatness of the need, and his inability to meet it, that he was unable to formulate any other words. His story ended on a positive note. God must have heard his plea and He did help.

The simplicity of that prayer lingered in my mind for the rest of the service and the entire ride home through the dark mountains. Part of the way home, I pulled off the road and parked along the river. I found a big rock, laid down, and gazed up at the stars, and contemplated the ingenuity of that four word prayer. I reflected on my own life, and realized that so many times I try to do things on my own when I have no idea of what I'm doing, and no right to try to pretend that I know anything. I see it my work, in relationships, and especially in my walk with God.

It's so silly, really. I think sometimes I try to impress God with my deep thoughts or complex ponderings. As if the Creator of my Soul can't see through the smartly-fashioned soliloquy to the desperate, pleading cry for help. I do the same thing with other people. I feel a need to have it all "together." I take pride in being independent and in getting things done, and I only ask for help as an absolute last resort. In doing this, I am doing a great disservice - to others, but even more to myself. I am missing out on the joy of watching and being a part of God doing something incredible, maybe even through me. And I am missing out on the feeling of fellowship that comes by allowing someone else to come alongside me and help me.

This all seems pretty basic, right? And it is all a lesson that I would easily share with my clients, when giving them guidance on their own lives and things that they can do. And yet, I continue to push myself and try to figure things out on my own, while the whole time God is watching and waiting for me to just ask Him to do what He longs to do: love me by helping me.

Tonight my prayer looks something like this, "Help, God. Please help. Help me push these thoughts away for another day, so that I can get some sleep tonight."

breathing deep

2007-08-18T00:46:00.000-04:00

It's almost fall, and I'm starting to feel that restless, wistful stirring in my spirit. I am looking forward to losing myself in the changing colors of the mountains around me this year. I approach this new season with the breathless anticipation for which I have mixed feelings. There is the passing emotion of excitement, but also the realistic side of me that knows the season and all its glories will come and go, and I will soon find myself in the coolness of winter again.

It's amazing how much impact a change in environment can have. Things feel different to me as I sit on my back deck and listen to the overpowering sounds of cicadas celebrating the night. The air demands that I breathe it a bit deeper, and the stars in the sky seem to tease me in an effort to convince me to stay up and wander beneath their light all night long.

I am taking a break from classes, just in time for the fall. I am looking forward to having more time to hike up mountains, wade through streams, read good books, lounge on the deck with my guitar, and engage in lots and lots of good conversations. I am also looking forward to some great concerts. Lately it seems that every where I turn I bump into someone with great taste in music, and I am being reminded of how much I used to love to sit in a coffee shop or bar or park, and allow myself to be wooed as talented musicians spilled their souls to a sparse but intense audience. This fall will involve more of that magical experience known as live music.

I will also be spending some time up in my old stompin' grounds in NY, as there is a wedding in the works. I saw the whole fam this past weekend, and was amazed anew at the life, youth, and beauty of my nieces ... and swept away in awe at the grace, wisdom, and strength of my 84-year-old grandmother. I returned to my home with fresh vegetables from the garden and lots of good memories of the almost-fall climate in NY.

I need to go spend some more time under the stars, but I will close this post with lyrics from a song written by quite possibly my most favorite lyricist, Bill Mallonee. If he were single, younger, and a little bit more normal I think I would absolutely be in love with him.

Songwriter (Numb)

yeah i wish that i could change things
rearrange the pieces and the bits resistant though they are
the ones that fell right through the cracks
the stuff left over from exploding stars
obvious from the back row
to everyone but me
it's always sad to see what you become
when you're looking after number one
yeah i wish that i could change things
testify to some deliverance
yeah i'd talk show it right into the ground
like some salvation experience
yeah i wish that i could change things
and say some new words for all these feelings that i felt
we all wanna change things
but can you change yourself
i tried to make you like me with some words and a six-string
'cause i wanted you to like me well some folks even spilled some ink
and even when it got cold i hardly knew i'd died
i guess you go a little numb and then empty on the inside
you're rarely remembered or thought well of
for when your game was its strongest
and words you wish your head didn't say
are the ones their hearts will hold onto the longest
and the promises you should have kept
you're one million versions of a stumbling-12-steps
and that never seems to be enough
when your flesh and blood keeps screwing up
i tried to make you like me with some words and a six-string
it was really just a cry of sorts and some fancy conjuring
and even when it got cold well i hardly knew i'd died
i guess you go a little numb before going empty on the inside
in spite of all my ties i was driftin'
and now the kids they are full grown
and just because you got an address
doesn't mean you've got a home
they say that it's a cruel world
some cite it as a sad fact
and they say God He must not give a damn.
and God says well I don't know about that.
'cause i keep hearing whispers
saying everything's gonna be alright
you put some goodness back in and you take your stand
and you hold onto to Him for dear life
i tried to make you like me with some words and a six-string
i was starving for a deeper love my God what shallow reasoning
and even when it got cold i hardly knew i'd died
i guess you go a little numb 'fore going empty on the inside
going empty on the inside

hey Jack Kerouac

2007-07-30T22:47:00.000-04:00

Today, in anticipation of the 5+ hours of driving I'd be doing to visit clients, I drove down the hill from my house and stopped at the tiny local mountain library to get out some books on CD.

This morning I started a Jack Kerouac book, and I LOVE IT. Ok, so maybe I'm a little late in the game. I have heard lots about him, but until today hadn't read anything by him. His words are perfect listening while driving, especially while driving through the mountains. He is one of those authors whose words cause my eyes to sparkle as I read (or listen) to them.

Though this quote isn't from the book to which I'm listening, I found it tonight while looking up other works of his, and I like it A LOT. It reminds me of the state of being in which I find myself most all the time these days, as soon as I step out of my front door and take a few steps from my house:

The woods do that to you, they always look familiar, long lost, like the face of a long-dead relative, like an old dream, like a piece of forgotten song drifting across the water, most of all like golden eternities of past childhood or past manhood and all the living and the dying and the heartbreak that went on a million years ago and the clouds as they pass overhead seem to testify (by their own lonesome familiarity) to this feeling. Ecstacy, even, I felt, with flashes of sudden remembrance, and feeling sweaty and drowsy I felt like sleeping and dreaming in the grass.

In other (not so deep or happy) news, I found myself tonight in an all-too-familiar conversation with a kid about MYSPACE. She is 13 and decided to set up a profile in which she said she is 18 ... and she made lots of older male friends as a result. So tonight I had the wonderful experience of addressing this issue with her and trying to convince her of how overrated Myspace is. Honestly? I am sick of the site, especially when I hear reports of thousands and thousands of sexual predators utilizing it to find their victims. If it were up to me, the site would go down ... and so would the parents who are clueless as to what their kids are doing online.

Jeeps, mosquitoes, and traditions

2007-07-22T22:22:00.001-04:00

Whenever I put the top on my Jeep, I am reminded of family camping trips and the silly little pop-up trailer we had. Much to the delight of the hungry local mosquitoes, I just spent about 10 minutes outside, negotiating zippers and snaps and little rubber pieces that I'm sure have some technical name (they're the ones that slip under the metal overhang thingies that go around the frame). The weather forecast for tomorrow says thunderstorms, and I'd rather not have to drain out the Jeep again (as much fun as it was when I had the pleasure of doing it about two weeks ago).

So, tonight, as the mosquitoes dined on my flesh and my dogs frolicked around the Jeep, I held a Mag lite in my mouth and - with each snap and zipper I snapped and zipped - I was flooded with memories of family and tradition. It was more common than not for us to arrive at the campground when it was already dark outside, so we got to be quite skilled at either putting up the trailer in the dark or sleeping in the minivan until the morning when we would then put up the trailer.

I remember other things about those trips, like roasting marshmallows around a campfire, and struggling to sleep at night on the stiff camper bed, kept awake by a sunburn earned by spending all day at the beach. I remember sneaking out of the camper at night to walk through the woods, guided only by the light of the moon, and coming out to an open space with my mouth wide open as I gazed up a star-filled sky. I also remember getting into trouble when I got back to the camper to find my mom awake and awaiting my return.

For several of my adult years, I looked back on those "camping" trips with a type of arrogant disdain, taking the lofty stance that we weren't really camping and that somehow those trips didn't really deserve to be all that memorable. Real camping would not involve flushing toilets within walking distance, or coin-operated showers. In the wilderness, you can't run an extension cord to power a transistor radio or tiny refrigerator.

But it seems that lately I am constantly reminded that memories are not so much about what you actually do, as who you do it with ... or even if you do it at all. The kids with whom I work, and today's generation in general, seem to lack the concept of tradition in their lives. One of the things that appealed most to me about my current position is that I have the opportunity to be a constant in the world in which these kids live, a world full of change and transition.

Even now as I write this, the trunk of my car is occupied with three Rubbermaid totes and a duffel bag, the evidence of one 13-year-old boy's most recent change and transition. While the traditions of my childhood involved pop-up trailers and Chef Boyardee Beefaroni, this young man endures traditions of being moved from one institution to another, in the hopes that possibly he will stay long enough in one place to create happy memories. I wish somehow that I could buy a huge RV and gather up all these children (or at least my seven clients), feed them Chef Boyardee Beefaroni, and take them on star-gazing walks. I want so badly to help to create traditions and memories in their lives.

Part of me is stirred with sadness when I think about my own childhood, almost as if I would go back to those restless, sunburned nights if I could. But a bigger part of me is filled with hope: the hope that I am now in a position to teach others how to build their own traditions. I am doing it now myself, in small, seemingly insignificant ways. I get up early every morning and run alongside the lake as it reflects the first glimmers and hues of a new day. I sit on my deck and read every day, as I eat oatmeal with fruit and drink coffee. I still make it a point to meet someone new each day, and to be a part of impacting someone's life in a positive way. I eat pancakes on Sundays (today I had whole wheat chocolate chip pancakes with fresh blackberries on tops) and go for long walks in the afternoons (today's was TWO AND A HALF hours long). At night I sit in bed and write about the day and think about what I will do differently tomorrow. Life should be characterized by change and improvement, but there should also be a steady rhythm which drives it all. My role right now is to help create this rhythm in the lives of these children. I still sometimes wonder how I got to be the one to do this, but I am so glad I did ...

Aerodynamically the bumblebee shouldn't be able to fly, but the bumblebee doesn't know that so it goes on flying anyway.

2007-07-20T21:20:00.000-04:00

(ok, so the title doesn't really relate to the post at all - it's just a quote I liked, and I couldn't think of a good title, so there it is. You can deal with it.)

Somehow some of my co-workers convinced me to run a 5k race with them in a few weeks. Not exactly sure how that happened, because I'm not really a "race" kind of person. I have done them in the past, but - unless they're for a good cause - they really strike me as "things you should be able to do on your own but maybe won't do unless there are lots of other people doing it and you get a free t-shirt." I am content to run - alone - beside streams and through the woods on root-covered trails ... but I'll appease my friends, just this once.

Anyway, I just got back from a really tough run on some windy, steep mountain roads. And this is fun? Hmmm.

Lots going on, as usual.

I stumbled across this quote today, and it suits me REALLY well:

Excellence can be attained if you care more than others think is wise, risk more than others think safe, dream more than others think is practical, and expect more than others think is possible.
- Author Unknown

a little scratchin' goes a long way

2007-07-16T22:22:00.000-04:00

I was just stretching after a run, and both of my dogs decided they needed my attention and strategically placed themselves near my legs ... so my stretch time was a combination of stretching my muscles and scratching their bellies. And their backs. And around their ears. They love being scratched. I wonder how much of it is my ability to scratch, and their desire for any kind of attention.

Hm, I like my dogs a lot. I can't imagine what relaxing would look like without them. And I need to relax.

The past few days have been strange, but also good. Yesterday I went back to the town where I used to live. It was strange to be back there, to walk the streets of my old neighborhood, and especially to visit my friends at the rest home. There are so many memories in that place, so much information, so many shortcuts I learned (mostly by getting lost), and it makes me a little bit sad to think that all of that is now filed in the "not really too useful anymore" spot in my head.

I am discovering that my life is becoming a bit of a series of those kind of moments. Does everyone have a collection of library cards in their wallet, from several different counties? I catch myself still using some of them, so I hesitate to cancel them just in case.

I think back over the past several years and I am amazed at where I have been and who I have become. Last year at this time I was stepping up to some CRAZY stuff that even now seems like a movie of someone else's life. I am intrigued by the idea of where I might be in a year from now.

Yesterday, after hiking , looking at water, and getting eaten by bugs at a park near my old town, we went out to eat. Our waiter was super-likable, but also super-quirky. And I was reminded again of how much I enjoy people, and how grateful I am for the ability to communicate and engage and become a part of someone else's story, even if it's just for an hour while he serves me pizza and salad and some really corny jokes.

Today provided several more reminders of why I do what I do, and why I know that I will never be happy living in a house in the woods and spending all my time reading or painting pictures of trees and mountains. I spent time with several clients today, and I was able to participate in a group therapy session with one girl. I have had inclinations toward what I want to do after I finish my degree, but today provided more clarity. The therapy session was incredible, and I think I wasn't alone in being disappointed when it ended. The kids' responses rendered me speechless a couple times, and I had to turn my face more than once - to hide a smile, and also to hide tears.

I left the group home with my mind buzzing, and then went to meet another client for the first time. She is 13, and a girly-girl ... so we ended up going to the mall to walk around and talk. I admit, it's probably the coolest mall I've ever been to, but I still don't really like it too much. Anyway, while there I was able to observe lots of kids with their families and was struck by the similarity of those kids to the kids I work with. Take away the mom and screaming little sister, and swap the designer Gap Kids clothes with group home hand-me-down's ... and these kids act and talk the same as the kids who I visit and engage in "therapeutic activities."

I have lots and lots of ideas in my head. The run tonight helped some of them to settle, the dog-scratching session took care of some more ... but I have a hunch that some of these thoughts and feelings will never resolve. There is pain and injustice in the world, and I can't make it disappear: in my head, or in the lives of these kids and others like them. But dang it, I refuse to look back at the end of it all and wonder if I could have done more.

pay it sideways

2007-07-12T16:20:00.000-04:00

I think I need to make it a point to carry cash on me ... at least maybe $5 a day. I think this is maybe a reasonable amount that might just be enough to change the course of someone's day.

I just came from a artsy bookstore coffee shop in the heart of downtown Asheville. While I was looking at books and waiting for my iced mocha to be ready, I overheard two teenage girls trying to figure out which coffee drink they would order to share. They very possibly went through the entire menu, asking the not-too-friendly, pierced cashier how much each drink was. They had finally arrived at a decision (after much discussion and asking several times the size of individual drinks, all of which were the same size) at just about the same time my drink was ready. They walked up to the cashier, I walked up to the other end of the counter to pick up my drink ... and then I walked by them, put a $5 bill on the counter in front of them, and kept on walking.

How fun to watch the stare of the overly pierced and tattooed staff person, and to hear the girls say, "Oh my gosh, thank you!" several times, in various high pitches of voice. Sometimes I wonder if I do this kind of thing because it's the right thing to do, or because I enjoy the reaction it elicits ... and I didn't even touch on the stares of some of the people in the bookstore.

there's just something i like about (being) a pickup woman

2007-07-12T09:51:00.000-04:00

While I'm getting some work done on my car, I'm driving this truck:
And I like it a lot.
Between the Jeep and this, I'm not sure I'll ever own a car again.
I know my posts are pretty shallow lately, but it's because the depth of things in my everyday existence has grown like crazy ... so I need to balance all that out somewhere. :)
I head toward the beach tomorrow to visit a client - I'm looking forward to some time alone in the car.
Lots and lots and lots going on ...

I like this a lot

2007-07-06T23:46:00.000-04:00

It's from Wednesday's Reflections for Ragamuffins:

What the world longs for from the Christian religion is the witness of men and women daring enough to be different, humble enough to make mistakes, wild enough to be burned in the fire of love, real enough to make others see how unreal they are. Jesus, Son of the living God, anoint us with fire this day. Let your Word not shine in our hearts, let it BURN. Let there be no division, compromise, or holding back. Separate the mystics from the romantics, and goad us to that daredevil leap into the abyss of your love.

It's a good reminder to me.

Lots going on. My neighbor (the one who is the mama to teeny, tiny little Ashley) is going to church with me tomorrow. And today I gave a new copy of Blue Like Jazz to Justin at work. I am curious about, and fascinated by, life and the people that fill it.

I have been reading about the history of the counseling profession. So interesting. There's a lot in there about how counseling sort of flourished during the Depression era. Makes sense, but it's nothing I would have necessarily thought about before.

Really, really good book I'm reading/listening to right now: The Secret Life of Bees by Sue Monk Kidd. If Anne Frank lived in the South in the 60's and her writing ability wasn't quite so amazing, this might be something she would write. There's no Miep, and the narrator on the CD doesn't quite offer what Winona Ryder does to the recorded version of Anne Frank's writing ... but still - really, really good.

i like my life

2007-07-05T21:28:00.000-04:00

Today was a long day. But a good day.
It was a "working on files" day. I took one of my dogs to work with me, and took paperwork breaks to throw her bone and wrestle with her on the carpet and forget about work. Everyone else was doing the same thing. They sort of liked her at my office.
I took the Jeep to work. The drive home was the best part of the day ... it was just starting to cool down, and we caught the wonderful sight of the sky above the mountains growing darker as we drove alongside them. I am convinced that she was smiling as she leaned out the side and let the wind blow her cute little ears back. I sometimes almost feel a little bit guilty about my life being so good.
Last night I held 3-week-old Ashley for 40 straight minutes while her mama went for a baby-free walk down to the lake. She is perfect (Ashley, not the mom - though she is nice too).
I need to start giving back.

thoughts from a rain-cleansed runner

2007-07-02T07:57:00.000-04:00

I think that perhaps there is nothing I like more than running in the rain. Except for maybe the stretching and warm shower that come afterward - and even those don't compare to the wonderful rush I experience when pushing my body to its limits while the sky rains down refreshment upon me.

I feel sad when I think about the way that so many people don't push the limits - physically, emotionally, and especially spiritually. It seems to me that people who "play it safe" or don't ask the tough questions are really living a substandard life.

Lately the spiritual limits in my life have been pushed almost to a level of discomfort. I think a good part of it has to do with the extreme close-up view I'm getting of pain in its rawest form. The history of some of my clients reads like a psychological crime book. I'm not even sure that's what I mean, but sometimes I have to close a file and go outside for a few minutes before I can come back to it and finish reading. Where is God when these children are being robbed of their innocence and of their joy? Where is He when some awful creature is ripping these kids' childhood from them?

I know God is there, I just don't understand how He's there.

Something that I read recently is sticking with me right now.

"The very nature of orthodox Christian faith is that we never come to the end. It begs for more. More discussion, more inquiry, more debate, more questions."
- Rob Bell, Velvet Elvis

I guess, honestly, I don't want to pray to, serve, or worship a God that I can figure out. But it's also very difficult for me to do these things to a God who makes me freakin' mad. I have learned though, that I require challenges in my life in order to remain interested. If God was easy to grasp or explain, I don't think I would stick with Him for too long. It's almost like I need the frustration in order to have confirmation of the "feelings." And the frustration leads to personal growth, so I guess in the end it's ok. I'll just be running more, which can't be bad for anyone.

One thing that distracts me from these difficult thoughts is being constantly on the look-out for snakes every time I step out of my house. I heard from a neighbor that there are baby copperheads lurking around my place ... and I don't really want to have one of those not-too-smart cute little snakey-wakeys inject all his venom into one of my leggie-weggies.

my wrinkly time

2007-06-26T21:24:00.000-04:00

Today I made a 10-year-old girl cry. And then, five minutes later, I made her laugh uncontrollably.

An explanation for reaction # 1: today I started telling my clients about my new position. The tender-hearted, constantly smiling little girl teared up; the "I'm too tough to show emotions" 14-year-old boy looked out the window and wouldn't talk to me for the rest of the hour drive back to his foster home. I am really not looking forward to talking to the other kids.

The cause for reaction #2: today Hannah and I started listening to "A Wrinkle in Time" together in my car. We went to the library today, and she picked it out on her own (probably because she has gotten tired of me ranting and raving about what a great book it is). If you have never read that book, YOU NEED TO. It's technically a children's book, but it's great for anyone. The author (Madeline L'Engle) even covers this in her preface, where she laments about how all too often adults lock up the doors to their minds and don't allow magic and imagination in any longer.

I am a bit torn about this new position. I know that my heart is really with kids who have no real family, so I know I'll love what I do ... but I have started to grow close to some of these kids and their families, and there is something I very much enjoy about being the change agent for an entire family, and not just a child.

Ah well, my heart is alive in this work, no matter what avenue it takes.

Another thing I will miss is the incentives that I have started with these kids. I recently developed a reading program for them, sort of in partnership with the local library. If they read a certain number of books within a certain amount of time, the library will give them exciting prizes like stickers and bookmarks. I will give them lots of hugs and high-fives, and let them name a meal of their choosing. The catch is that they will eat the meal with me, we will talk about books while we eat, and the food will be consumed beside one of the many local waterfalls that I have come to enjoy. Last week one of my kids made it to the "dinner" stage ... lucky for me, he has cheap taste. I was ready to head home and whip up some gourmet fare and try to figure out how to transport it along a 1.5 mile trail to the waterfalls ... but all he wanted was deli sandwiches, chips, and homemade brownies.

I will miss this stuff, but I embrace a new challenge: instead of helping these kids adjust to the world around them, I face the task of bringing the world in to kids. My new clients will, for the most part, be in residential facilities, some locked. They have no involvement with their parents and for the most part are just waiting to turn 18 and do something different with their lives. So I will visit them and talk with them on the phone, and try to help them develop clear goals and plans for the life that awaits them after they leave the facility, and also to improve the quality of the lives they lead now.

Like I said, it will be tough, but I am jumping in with both feet. Lately I haven't been able to shake thoughts of my friends from the rest home that I still visit once a month. In so many ways, my new clients remind me of those folks. For the most part, the world has written these people off as "unproductive" members of society, and pushed them into a forgotten, drab-colored corner. I enter into their worlds, knowing that they have countless lessons to teach me and invaluable knowledge to impart ... and a very big part of me wonders what I could ever offer to them. These tests, these challenges and questions, these uncomfortable moments - these are where I discover the best part of myself. I can't wait.

and this is how i connect ...

2007-06-22T21:20:00.000-04:00

My niece visited for a few days this week, and somehow I missed taking pictures. I guess I was just enjoying the time with her and didn't want to let a camera get between us.

She's a great kid. First of all, I am convinced that she looks much, much better in my Jeep than I do. Her hair is pretty long now, and she sort of avoids the brush ... so I convinced her that baseball hats are cool on girls. We went cruising through the mountains yesterday, let the wind play with our hair for a few minutes, then stopped for ice cream, and threw our hair into ponytails and hats. We are pretty cool chics, if I do say so myself.

She is also really tan, because she plays outside all the time, and her blond hair is even blonder now that it's summer. She is a pretty, pretty girl, and I am already developing my interrogation packet for whatever young man is brave enough to ask her on her first date. Her beauty has a lot to do with her shimmering blond hair and twinkling blue eyes, but more to do with her infectious smile and her spunky attitude. She is cool - there's no way around it.

She probably would have been happy just to ride in the Jeep all day, but last night somehow the idea emerged to visit a wonderful mecca of children's delight and parents' empty wallets, appropriately named "Fun Depot." The place is huge and has just about every kind of form of kid-friendly entertainment you can imagine. I convinced Sarah to start with the climbing wall, which she flew up quickly and quickly grew bored ... so then she moved on to the arcade games. Throw in some mini-golf and batting cages, and we moved to the highlight of the evening: laser tag.

I admit that I really, really thought about trying to talk her out of playing. We made it into the "briefing room" where a quick instructional movie is shown before you go put on your vest and grab your gun. Everyone talked through the movie, so I'm glad I wasn't relying on what I learned there for my survival in the field. The room was filled with a random sampling on gang-banger wannabe's (and pretty convincing ones at that) and nervous church youth group kids from the suburbs. The wannabe's were the ones who had me a little nervous, as I overheard references to "going out like 50" and "going down like 2-Pac." While Sarah took it all in stride, I was looking around for the quickest way to get her out of there. How will this game possibly be fun for a 9-year-old girl?, I thought.

Then we got upstairs and the room went dark and the cheesy music started playing. And Sarah evolved into a laser tag automaton. I have to say - that was the most fun I have had with a group of 16 kids I didn't know, in quite a while. The wannabe's won, but I am convinced we were a close second ... and Sarah and I somehow made friends with those fellas. We saw them in the parking lot afterward. While the nervous suburbanites rushed to their buses, trying to avoid eye-contact with the hip-hop crew, Sarah and I gave them high fives and even took a picture with them. Of course, the picture is on Sarah's camera and not a digital one, so I doubt it will ever be available to the public.

The other highlight of my evening was when I played a 5-player game of the cheesy arcade basketball game ... I was the only female, the only person with light-colored skin, and the only adult type (over the age of about 16) ... I was also a good 4 inches shorter than my competition. And I won. Awe, yeah. Still got it. (Of course, I never really knew that I had "it" before, but it sounds awful cool)

I just pulled a pan of peanut butter-swirl brownies out of the oven ... off to share with the neighbors and engage in the mysterious act of connecting with another human being.

I did more thinking/planning/brainstorming today, about my combination counseling practice/bed & breakfast. I have been working on more variety in my cooking, and having some great, intelligent conversations with the therapists at work ... so I'm pretty sure I'm ready. :)

and this is my church ...

2007-06-19T23:23:00.000-04:00

It has been a while since I feel inspired, stimulated, challenged, and encouraged by church ... but I really, really like the one here that I have been attending.

Check out this slideshow - it was created by people from the church. It's one of my favorite songs, and it's even more powerful with images. Also look at this, or any of the other art stuff on the site. Wow. Worship really does come in many different forms.